One way of understanding ourselves is through understanding Family Systems Theory, developed by psychiatrist Murray Bowen, and used in counseling families rather than concentrating on counseling individuals. The GenoPro website (advertising software for building family trees) describes Family Systems this way:
"The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system.
"...According to Bowen, a family is a system in which each member has a role to play and rules to respect. Members of the system are expected to respond to each other in a certain way according to their role, which is determined by relationship agreements. Within the boundaries of the system, patterns develop as certain family member's behavior is caused by and causes other family member's behaviors in predictable ways. Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction."
Over the years, each family develops its own patterns of thinking, feeling, acting, and interacting for all its family relationships. Patterns that develop between spouses, between parents and each child, between each child and his/her siblings. These patterns of response, this "learned behavior," will continue to influence all our relationships inside and outside our family. Some patterns are healthy; some patterns have to be unlearned and transformed in order for us and our relationships to BE healthy. Healthy patterns are the ones that help us develop a belief in ourselves as strong, self-confident, creative, loving and loved people.
Sometimes our families strengthen a healthy sense of self in us; sometimes they wound our sense of self, and we have to mentally and emotionally break away from the family system's patterns to "find" ourselves. Having a healthy sense of our own self-worth is faith in ourselves. We can't really develop a healthy faith in our family relationships until we have a healthy faith in ourselves. The Bowen Family Systems Center explains "self differentiation" - developing a healthy sense of self:
"Families and other social groups tremendously affect how people think, feel, and act, but individuals vary in their susceptibility to a “group think” and groups vary in the amount of pressure they exert for conformity. These differences between individuals and between groups reflect differences in people’s levels of differentiation of self. The less developed a person’s “self,” the more impact others have on his functioning and the more he tries to control, actively or passively, the functioning of others. The basic building blocks of a “self” are inborn, but an individual’s family relationships during childhood and adolescence primarily determine how much “self” he develops. Once established, the level of “self” rarely changes unless a person makes a structured and long-term effort to change it...."
GoodTherapy.org puts it this way:
"Differentiation of self, the core concept of Bowen’s approach, refers to the manner in which a person is able to separate thoughts and feelings, respond to anxiety, and cope with the variables of life while pursuing personal goals. An individual with a high level of differentiation may be better able to maintain individuality while still maintaining emotional contact with the group. A person with a low level of differentiation may experience emotional fusion, feeling what the group feels, due to insufficient interpersonal boundaries between members of the family. Highly differentiated people may be more likely to achieve contentment through their own efforts, while those with a less-developed self may seek validation from other people."
Can we look at ourselves honestly, and ask ourselves:
- Can I think independently, or do I need validation from other family members in order to feel emotionally "safe"?
- Have I set my own goals for my life, or do I depend on other family members to set my goals for me?
- Do my feelings control me, or do my thoughts enlighten my feelings?
- Do I cope positively or negatively with anxiety and stress?
- Can I constructively work through disagreements with family members, or do I resort to hot wars or cold wars?
- Do I say I'm helping people, but, if I'm honest, I realize that I'm trying to control them?
-How great and deep is my capacity for unselfish love?
And of course the big question is: do I think, feel. and act as my own person, or am I consciously or unconsciously trapped in the patterns of how my parents thought, felt, acted, and handled anxiety, stress, and disagreements with each other, with their children, and with their parents and siblings?
GoodTherapy .org suggests that our sense of self decides whom we choose as a life partner, and how this affects generation after generation:
"The multigenerational transmission process, according to Bowen, depicts the way that individuals seek out partners with a similar level of differentiation, potentially leading certain behaviors and conditions to be passed on through generations. A couple where each partner has a low level of differentiation may have children who have even lower levels of differentiation. These children may eventually have children with even lower levels of differentiation. When individuals increase their levels of differentiation, according to Bowen, they may be able to break this pattern, achieve relief from their symptoms of low differentiation, and prevent symptoms from returning or occurring in other family members."
How do we know how much influence our family has had and still has on us? One way, as GenoPro suggests, is to either draw or use software to devise a genogram, a specialized family tree.
"A genogram (pronounced: jen-uh-gram) is a graphic representation of a family tree that displays detailed data on relationships among individuals. It goes beyond a traditional family tree by allowing the user to analyze hereditary patterns and psychological factors that punctuate relationships. Genograms allow a therapist and his patient to quickly identify and understand various patterns in the patient's family history which may have had an influence on the patient's current state of mind. The genogram maps out relationships and traits that may otherwise be missed on a pedigree chart. Genograms were first developed and popularized in clinical settings by Monica McGoldrick and Randy Gerson through the publication of a book in 1985. Genograms are now used by various groups of people in a variety of fields such as medicine, psychology, social work, genealogy, genetic research, and education. There are many books and websites on the topic of genograms.
"Genograms contain a wealth of information on the families represented. First, they contain basic data found in family trees such as the name, gender, date of birth, and date of death of each individual. Additional data may include education, occupation, major life events, chronic illnesses, social behaviors, nature of family relationships, emotional relationships, and social relationships. Some genograms also include information on disorders running in the family such as alcoholism, depression, diseases, alliances, and living situations. Genograms can vary significantly because there is no limitation as to what type of data can be included."
Faith in ourselves and in our family can be be transformed through our relationship with God. Think about it: the Bible is actually a genogram of the universal human family, of each generation's relationship between parents and children and their siblings, - and their relationships with God. For example, we see Jacob's favoritism for his son Joseph, which resulted in his siblings' bitter and violent jealousy. They basically kidnapped their own brother Joseph and sold him into slavery to a trader from Egypt. But - through Joseph's faith in God, he received the strength to overcome his own bitterness and grow into a strong, positive man. He became emotionally "free enough" of his family's unhealthy pattern of relationships to be able to forgive his brothers. They, in turn, became humble enough to admit their sinful jealousy and cruelty. A shattered family was restored to health - because Joseph, with God's help, mentally and emotionally and spiritually broke out of that unhealthy pattern of favoritism and jealousy. Once more Jacob and his children could have faith in a family which united and nurtured them.
Jesus is the Son of God, and our brother, who teaches us how to mentally, physically, and emotionally break free from unhealthy family systems. He spoke the truth, even when his peers and family and closest friends could not understand. He did not consider himself a victim - he willingly chose each of his actions and willingly carried whatever sufferings ensued. He knew how to love unselfishly, without favoritism, scapegoating, bullying, or undue anxiety. He does not choose favorites among any of us, his spiritual siblings. He loves and ministers to each of us, one on one, and he teaches us that God our Parent loves all of us equally as well.
God wants each of us to achieve our highest self-differentiation, to have faith in Him and in ourselves. In the Bible we hear God say to each of us -
“To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it” (Revelation 2:17).
God loves us so individually, so deeply, knows us so intimately, that upon our coming to our new heavenly home, He will give us the name which best describes who we most truly are! His special love-word for each of us, known only to Him and to us in our unique family relationship.
Here is a positive portrait of a person with a highly differentiated sense of self, one who has a strong sense of faith in him/herself because he/she knows they are loved and valued by God :
"Faith, then, is a quality of human living. At its best it has taken the form of serenity and courage and loyalty and service: a quiet confidence and joy which enable one to feel at home in the universe, and to find meaning in the world and in one's own life, a meaning that is profound and ultimate, and is stable no matter what may happen to oneself at the level of immediate event. Men and women of this kind of faith face catastrophe and confusion, affluence and sorrow, unperturbed; face opportunity with conviction and drive; and face others with cheerful charity." (Wilfred Cantrell Smith, quoted in "Stages of Faith" by James Fowler).
How much faith do we have in ourselves, our desire and ability to change, to grow, to build healthier, happier relationships with our parents, siblings, spouses, and children? How much faith do we have in God's yearning desire for us to become healthy and whole? How much faith do we have in God's Power, God's Holy Spirit acting within us, to lead us on the path to new life in Him? Do we have enough faith to undertake the "long haul," the sometimes-years it takes for us to grow and heal, for our families to grow and heal?
Are we honest enough with ourselves to recognize when counseling, maybe even with a Family Systems therapist, is the direction God is leading us in, the path which God will walk with us, a path to new health, a new sense of self-worth and joy?
We may say that we believe in the existence of God. But the ancient meaning of the Latin term "credo" was not "I believe that God exists." "Credo" meant "I set my heart on God," or "I give my heart to God the Father, I give my heart to Christ, I give my heart to the Holy Spirit." (Fowler, "Stages of Faith.")
If we believe in ourselves, our families and our God, if we give our hearts in commitment to our own self-worth, our families' worth, and the ultimate Worth of our God, our capacity to love will be continually replenished and renewed. Our capacity for serenity and joy will be continually replenished and renewed. We will not be lost in bitterness and negativity. We will indeed become better, day by day, and our relationships will become better. And it will be our free choice.