How familiar is this scenario to you:
- You say something, meaning one thing.
- The other person reacts negatively and with anger and/or hurt.
- You get angry and hurt because of what the other person has said, not understanding why he or she has said it.
- The other person says "Of course I'm mad! You said that because - " and they explain what they THOUGHT you meant.
-Totally surprised, you say "No! What I meant was - !"
- And the other says "But what you said made me feel -"
When we or others react strongly to spoken words, it's always because those words, whether it's meant or not, trigger a defense mechanism in us. And anger is our body and mind's first defensive weapon because it spurs adrenalin production in us so we can either fight or take flight.
The only way to defuse these emotions is by recognizing that our words, without us meaning to, have created something - a terrible misunderstanding. Then we can speak up to explain what we meant, and we can listen - without blaming - to the reasons that the listener thought we meant something else.
This can also apply to our actions. We do something, for our own personal reason or motive, and someone else gets angry or aggrieved because he/she thinks we've done it for a different motive. And then, we become angry and aggrieved because the other person has misjudged us so thoroughly. Or should I say JUDGED us unfairly.
These common communication break-downs are one of the reasons why Jesus said "Judge not." We never know someone else's intention behind his or her words or actions unless we ask him or her. No one else understands the reasons for our words and the intentions behind our actions unless we carefully explain them. Judging others while failing to communicate our questions or concerns causes arguments and alienations that can impact or destroy relationships for a lifetime.
St. Ignatius had wise advice about this:
"Beware of condemning any man's action. Consider your neighbor's intention, which is often honest and innocent, even though his act seems bad in outward appearance."
The same can be said about someone's FAILURE to speak or act. For example you may have experienced a great grief or loss and you're angry because a certain friend has not called you as often as you think that she should have. But you are an extrovert and your friend is an introvert. You work through grief by talking to as many people as possible. Your friend works through grief by withdrawing and being alone. She is presuming that you need and want some space when what you really want is closeness and togetherness. Maybe you should phone your friend, and ask her if she has time to listen. Then she - who really loves you - will know what you'd like her to give you.
When we give each other the benefit of the doubt, we aren't so likely to get into battles with others. We take other people's personality differences into consideration. We recognize that they have different life experiences and financial concerns which influence their sensitivity on certain subjects and the decisions they make. If we keep our minds and hearts open to others, feeling free to explain where we are "coming from" and likewise feeling free to genuinely "hear" where they are "coming from," we will build up relationships instead of tearing them down. We will help solve difficulties instead of making them worse.
For example, we may feel angry if we hear that a relative is having a loved one cremated and not having a wake. We don't think that that is respectful to our loved one. But if we talk to this relative face to face, or on the phone, and we ask quietly, lovingly, and respectfully why this decision has been made, we may find out that the person's finances make this necessary. Regarding a wake, we can suggest that perhaps the clergy person closest to either us or our relative's family may be willing to have a wake in the Church free of cost.
The same may be said of weddings. Choosing who should attend a wedding is as much a case of watching one's finances as it is choosing one's closest relatives or friends. Hidden sides of relationships come into play. Judging why someone is or isn't invited to a wedding without hearing from the bride or groom can cause needless hurt feelings and grudges. We aren't in their shoes.
Having an open mind and an open heart can help us build relationships with those who others find to be "difficult personalities." Perhaps they're grumpy or insulting. If everyone stays clear of them, no one will ever find out who these people really are. If we remain calm and approachable and try talking to them or simply listening, we may discover deep hurts which have never mended, or ongoing situations in their lives which are draining all their strength. The grumpiness which everybody presumes is happening because this person dislikes everyone is in reality coming from emotional and nervous exhaustion. It's not personal antagonism at all. Even in places of work, the employer who takes time to listen to his or her employees and to find out what situations may be emotionally tearing them apart is giving them a "safe place" in which to "come back to themselves." This is true friendship.
Our words - and our actions - are always creating something between us and others. They can and should be creating a mutual safe place for us where we can be free to relax and be ourselves without fear of misunderstanding or attack. But this only happens when the people in a relationship pray over it and work hard to communicate what they really mean, what their intentions are, and work hard to listen to the others' reactions and responses - without blaming them. The Book of Sirach ( in the Old Testament) counsels "Be swift to hear, but slow to answer....A man's tongue can be his downfall." (4: 13 - 15.)
The Book of Sirach also contains these beautiful words about friendship:
"A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter;
he who finds one finds a treasure.
A faithful friend is beyond price,
no sum can balance his worth.
A faithful friend is a life-saving remedy,
such as he who fears (is in awe of) God finds,
For he who fears God behaves accordingly
and his friend will be like himself." (6: 14 - 17.)