Yet all of our lives on earth are temporary. All the people we love - and our relationships - are created by God to be eternal. If we are possessive and wanting our own way for those we love, we are in danger of trivializing their own choices for their faith journeys to God.
For example, as our children grow into young adults, we have the joy of developing adult relationships with them so that in many ways we are friends. We also have dreams for them, ideas of what would be good careers for them, where they should live, what kind of person they should marry. Surely we can have good conversations with them about these topics, give spiritual suggestions. But in the end, our adult children have their own gifts and dreams and their own relationships with God. Even if they make mistakes, we have too. God never abandons us or them. We shouldn't abandon them either.
We are called by God to give our adult children, our friends, their freedom, no matter how many tears we may shed if they disregard our advice or move away from us. After all, God gives each one of us free will! Can we do any less for our children? We need to love them with God's freeing love, not see them as objects we possess or extensions of ourselves.
Truly loving and valuing our friends means loving them for who they are, what they desire to accomplish, what they see as being good for themselves. If we listen closely to them when we're together instead of monopolizing the conversation, we can learn about who they are, learn about their families, their goals, their struggles, their dreams. We can encourage their rootedness by providing a relationship which is a safe place, yet at the same time encourage them to test their wings and fly in whatever direction their hearts send them.
Sometimes those we love challenge our preconceived values systems, our cultural or religious traditions, even our ideas of morality. Inter-Christian marriages challenge our preconceived notions about people from other Christian religious traditions whom we may have never had an opportunity or inclination to meet or greet before. If we stay loyal to our friends, even if they marry "outside the fold," we can discover opportunities to begin, by visiting, conversation, and shared prayer, to heal the splintering between Christian faith groups who may be mistrustful of each other, even competitive with each other.
Through relaxed and respectful conversations, we can discover where our faiths differ and where they are alike; our mutual faith in Jesus the Son of God can unite us in thankfulness for His Incarnation, Death on the cross, and Resurrection. Our sharing of Scripture passages can enrich everyone involved.
Interfaith marriages between Christians and Jews can be extremely hard on both families, especially if one person converts and his or her family feels that they're "losing their faith." Possessiveness would tell us to turn our backs on the one who has left his/her faith behind. God tells us never to abandon a loved one. Instead this experience can widen our understanding and the depths of our love through our extending hospitality to the new member of our family - and the new extended family. Through quietly living out our Christian values as a light to the world, through prayer, even through faith-sharing - for Christians and Jews are brothers and sisters under G-d and we share the first half of the Bible - we can help to bring new peace and unity to our family, our friendships, and our part of God's Kingdom.
One new issue in family and friendships which could divide many is the issue of transgendered persons. Realistically, this is a fairly new phenomenon, and one which is scientifically and morally separate from the issue of homosexuality. There is controversy over what the root cause of this phenomenon is, and how to treat it. Because this is relatively new and unexplored territory, many who sincerely love their family and friends become upset and disturbed when someone reveals that they believe that they have a different gender identity. Some fear what society will "do" to this person. Others are angry: this loved one is breaking with family dreams, value systems, goals, and traditions.
In the "U.S. Catholic," Fr. Bryan Massingale relates his experience when in February he participated in a panel on transgender Catholics at the Los Angeles Religious Education Congress called "Transgenders in the Church: One Bread, One Body." Almost 800 people attended this panel presentation, proof that many want further information. Two young people, Mateo and Anna, were the presenters. Fr. Massingale listened carefully to their stories:
"Their powerful stories of their struggles over realizing the deep disjunction between their birth bodies and their inner sense of being a man or a woman were heart-breaking and inspiring. Both also related how their 'transition' into their transgender bodies was a faith journey as well. I was struck by their heart-felt conviction that accepting their true gender identities led them to a deeper and more authentic relationship with God."
Fr. Massingale was asked why he had agreed to be on this panel. He replied, in part
"I have a lot to learn....I was at the panel precisely because of my ignorance and discomfort. Transgender issues were never addressed in either my moral theology courses in the seminary or my graduate courses in Christian ethics. I - and most priests - have not been trained to specifically minister to transgender members of our parishes or to the concerns of their families.
"My personal ignorance is shared by the Church as a whole. There is much that we do not understand about what is technically called 'gender dysphoria,' or the lack of congruence between one's physical body and gender identity. This ignorance leads to fear....This much I believe: Jesus would be present to, among, and with transgender people."
Fr. Massingale has much to teach us. When we inwardly rebel against choices our loved family and friends make, when we believe they are making mistakes and won't listen to us, when we wish we could "possess" them and make their decisions for them, we can follow Fr. Massingale's way of thinking.
First, we can humbly admit to our ignorance. All human beings are new, unexplored territory with much to teach us if we'll only humbly listen and not mentally or verbally trivialize what they tell us. We are always called to share faith with others, but everyone's faith journey is his or her own.
Secondly, we cannot possess others by choosing their other relationships for them, even if those lead to marriages we have difficulty accepting, or decisions which stretch our understandings of morality or lifestyles. God made them free, as God made us free. We are free to discuss things with them, but we have to respect their free will.
Thirdly, God never abandons any of us. If we love others with God's mind and heart, we will not abandon any of our relatives/friends either. We will enter into their worlds, meet their friends and loved ones, be there for them as a safe harbor. And always, always leave them in God's hands. God created us, our loved ones, and our relationships to be eternal. Love and Prayer can carry us through whatever is difficult, unknowable, unsolvable, and temporary. We simply learn to live with our questions, knowing that the answers reside with God and will one day be revealed.