Not that it wouldn't have become easy to become one!
A dead son, a daughter who suffered with breast cancer, numerous grand-children with different types of disabilities, a husband who has suffered with post traumatic stress syndrome and diabetes, myself with ongoing anxiety and depression - and that's just the beginning. You could add on the wider picture - ongoing frustration with a world beset by war, greed, domestic violence, racism, xenophobia, and sexism. Some of these issues even filter into my Church!
I'm sure you understand. I'm sure you can look at your life and find the same amount of tragedies and stresses. Nobody escapes carrying a heavy cross. In fact, the more deeply we love, the more these issues affect us.
But I swore and I keep on swearing that I will not become - or at least stay - angry and bitter. In fact, I choose not to become angry and bitter. Why?
For me to allow myself to become/stay angry and bitter says to my soul that it makes no difference that Jesus, Son of God, became incarnate, lived, died, and rose for me. That there is no reason on earth for me ever to be either joyful or grateful.
But from the moment the Son of God became human and had a heart, his heart was a Christmas heart, a heart of love, sharing, peace, and joy. Every day, every night, he offers to share his heart with us. His heart reminds me that God's heart stretches to enclose all of history - my personal history and the history of this bloody, battered world - through crucifixions to resurrections:
Psalm 33 reminds me:
"The Lord foils the plan of nations,
frustrates the designs of peoples.
But the plan of the Lord stands forever,
wise designs through all generations."
Every day, even if it's one on which I have a hard battle with depression or anxiety, my heart can suddenly swoop up like a swallow and find thankfulness and joy. Because God's love and care for me and mine is everlasting! When my heart is tucked safely within Jesus' Christmas heart, he allows me to see and appreciate the reality, the deep soul of everyone and everything. The mesmerizing beauty of a sunrise over a white winter landscape. The giggle-gurgle of a baby. The antics of a dog. The warmth and comfort of my bed. Smiles over the table during dinner at Denny's with my husband. The fidelity of my fellow parishioners. The love in my lively family. The hope in the eyes of the Nigerian immigrant family who currently live in our rectory.
Even though I see Christmas trees strewn like sad little corpses on people's front lawns, God shares His everlasting Christmas Presence with me in a hundred ordinary little ways. Because His life upholds and dwells within all life. His love surrounds me in the people, places, and things that surround me even when my soul endures a black storm of sorrow.
The Amish - whom I love and respect for their uncompromising simplicity - say it another way:
"The real secret of happiness is not what you give or you receive, it's what you share."
God shares His life with us so that we can share the life of everyone and everything! To enter into life at its deepest level is to find a wellspring of joy and enthusiasm. To enter into life at its deepest level is to re-discover God's abiding love for all and the sometimes hidden beauty in each of His creations.
Psalm 33 poetically pictures God carefully creating this wonderful, intricate world:
"By the Lord's Word the heavens were made,
by the breath of His mouth all the stars...
The waters of the sea were gathered as in a bowl...."
This is the world God shares with us! God EXPECTS us to live in joyful trust and enjoyment even when we are beset with problems. When we leave the universe for Him to be in charge of, we can relax and enjoy this Christmas gift of a world. We can feed our bodies and souls with nature hikes through the Rockies; fine wine and lasagna; great sports games and plays; a film that makes us both laugh and cry; a friend playing a practical joke on us; card games with the grandkids; camping trips and sleeping under those stars which are still fresh from God's fingers. We can love this world so much that we do all in our power to keep it from further pollution and destruction.
Psalm 33 reminds us
"From heaven the Lord looks down
and observes the whole human race,
Surveying from the royal throne
all who dwell on earth.
The one who fashioned the hearts of them all
knows all their works."
The One Who fashioned the hearts of them all! When we picture God, the Original Artist, fashioning each human heart as if it were a perfect piece of jewelry or a piece of beautiful blown glass - we can feel how much love God pours into the making and maintaining of each of us! How much pride! We understand how much constant, careful looking - after goes into making sure that no heart is lost! How He intends to mend each heart that is broken! When we nestle into Jesus' Christmas heart, we find it contains each heart whom the Father fashioned through him and with him. And our hearts begin to love them all, to find their sometimes-hidden beauty. How can we be bored in a universe animated by the love of the Artisan Creator? How can we be turned off by anyone else, no matter how different and perplexing to us that they may be?
When we allow ourselves to become immersed in the wonder, intricacy, and complexity of God's Christmas gift of the universe, our small lives retreat back into proper size. We don't waste energy on undue self-absorption, anger, bitterness, or a sense of victimhood. Life itself has so much to share with us and demands so much of our love and our gifts.
Fr. Ronald Rolheiser reminds us (in his book "The Holy Longing")
"In the parable of the Prodigal Son, he (Jesus) teaches us that we can be away from the Father's house equally through infidelity and weakness (the younger brother) or through bitterness and anger (the older brother), whereas what God is really asking of us is to have the compassion of the father (an empathy that can only issue forth from a very grateful heart). In the Gospels, the call to have a mellow, grateful heart is just as non-negotiable as are the commands to keep the commandments and practice social justice."
I mentioned at the beginning that I CHOOSE not to become a bitter, angry old woman. How can I witness to the Gospel if I do not practice and project the joy and trust that come from living in relationship with God, living in the Christmas heart of Jesus? Choosing not to be overwhelmed by our emotions is a constant, daily discipline. Rolheiser says
"This challenge, to stay warm of heart, is an integral part of fasting. Asceticism is as much about disciplining the emotions as it is about disciplining the body. What good is a trim body, free of fat and toxins, but full of anger and unhappiness? What good is fidelity in terms of keeping the commandments and practicing justice if we end up as bitter as the older brother of the prodigal son?
"Both as liberals and conservatives we too easily write off this third prong of the spiritual life, rationalizing that our causes are so urgent, we are so wounded, and our world is so bad, that, in our situation, anger and bitterness are justified. But we are wrong, and, as the American poet William Stafford warns, ' following the wrong God home we may miss our star.'"
Every day, may this verse from Psalm 33 be your ongoing prayer, no matter how much anger, bitterness, or grief tries to overwhelm you:
"Our soul waits for the Lord,
who is our help and our shield.
For in God our hearts rejoice;
in your holy name we trust.
May your kindness, Lord, be upon us;
we have put our hope in you."