"Who is it?" I called out. No one ever came here. I didn't want anyone here.
There was no answer at first, just the continuing careful footsteps, as if someone didn't want to scare me.
Finally a soft male voice: "You don't really know me. Or at least, not very well."
"Why are you bothering to come see me, then?" My reply was antagonistic, I admit it.
"I thought you'd like a visitor."
"You thought wrong."
The footsteps kept coming. Stopped. My door opened an inch or two. Light slanted in through the crack, and I closed my eyes tight.
"Don't!"
The voice was a little louder. "I thought you'd like some light."
"No! I've gotten used to the darkness! The silence! Why can't you leave me alone?"
"But it's not good for you to be alone so much."
"I'm entirely self-sufficient, thank you very much."
"Hmmm." The door opened a little wider. I jammed my hands over my closed eyes, cringing.
"Go away! I didn't invite you in!"
"Didn't you? I thought I heard you crying."
"I didn't sob out loud or anything. I don't do that. Don't want people to hear and feel sorry for me. How did you hear me?" I was straightening myself into a sitting position, squinting through the doorway. All I could see was a sandaled foot stuck out, holding the door open.
"I always hear you when you cry. You sounded sadder today. Close to despair."
"That's my business. I don't want people. I don't need people. People are trouble." But I was mesmerized by the hand wrapped around the door, slowly sliding it open. A strong hand.
"Well," I snapped, "if you insist on coming in, close the door behind you."
"You'd rather talk to me in the darkness. In this cell you've chosen for yourself. Away from people." I kept my eyes closed, but I heard him enter. I didn't see his face, just heard a faint breath as he sat down beside me. When I opened my eyes, he was a darker shadow next to me in my original, chosen darkness.
"Don't be afraid," he whispered.
Now I was angry. "I'm not afraid! I just protect myself, that's all."
A little chuckle drifted on the air. Stale air, but breathable.
"Who are you protecting yourself from?"
"Anyone who tries to get too close. People are bastards, you know? Out to take. Get as much from you as they can get. I'd rather be safe."
I was wondering how he'd managed to get by all my defenses. Slip in to my soul that I'd posted a big KEEP OUT sign on.
"I said 'don't be afraid' and I meant it. I'm not asking you for anything that you can't give."
"What do you want then?" I asked bitterly. "Everyone wants something."
"Just to be with you for awhile. To hold your hand. Be with you as you cry..."
A warm hand slipped around mine. A gentle, undemanding hand. I heard his steady breathing in the darkness, and suddenly my tears began to fall again, harder this time. He didn't speak, just sat there and held my hand in the darkness. My heart was breaking, but I wasn't alone. And I still had no idea who he was or why he was with me.
"But you do know who I am," he whispered.
"How did you hear me? I THOUGHT that."
"I know you, everything about you."
"That's invasive. Creepy."
"Really? You didn't think so when you were seven."
"You're not that old that you could have known me when I was seven."
The chuckle was even louder this time.
"I knew you. You even liked having me around then."
"I was an innocent kid. Trusted everyone. Not any more."
"You had that prayer book that your Mom gave you, remember? You took the candy that you got with your allowance and went out on your backyard swing, and swung and ate the candy and read that book and talked to me for hours."
I sat up even straighter, back rigid.
"Who the heck do you think that you are, - JESUS?? GOD???!"
The silence was deafening. Enlightening. Pulling my hand away, I got to my feet.
"OUT! YOU'RE THE REASON THAT I'M IN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! YOU DID NOTHING TO HELP ME, NOTHING!"
"I was here. Always here. In your anger, you pushed me away from you. I always suffer with you, right along side you. I support you. I strengthen you."
"YOU ALLOWED ALL THAT TRAGEDY TO HAPPEN TO ME! YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT."
"No. I don't change the decisions that people make. I help you humans make decisions, but I'm not a tyrant. I don't dictate how the world develops. I don't do magic acts. I always answer prayers. Look for my answers. You call me 'Emmanuel,' "God With Us.' I'm with you, and yes, if you stay close to me and listen to me, I fill you with wisdom, understanding, love, peace, truth, right judgement. But I don't coerce anyone - I want you free to love me. So sin enters the world."
His voice dropped. I listened more closely. What was I hearing? Weeping?
Why did that line come back to me? "And Jesus wept."
"Did you think the only tears I wept were when my friend Lazarus died? I wept over Jerusalem, all those people who refused to recognize me. I weep over all the broken lives and broken hearts and illness and wars that are happening today. I weep until the end of the world."
I sat down again. "But I can't stand this pain any longer! I feel as if I'm dying of a broken heart."
His hand picked up mine and placed it on his chest. I felt his heart beating.
"My heart beats for the world. But it stopped once."
"And then?" I knew what I'd heard had happened. I just wanted to hear him say it.
"I died for love. And then I rose again. My death brought life to the world. If anyone accepts the pain and death in their life, hand in hand with me, I promise them new life. New Springs, new buds, new changes, new life. If you don't stay bitter, life will get better. That's the eternal pattern of death and life, death and resurrection, over and over."
"I don't believe it." I was being stubborn. I understood the pattern. I'd seen pain. I'd seen change. I'd seen bad times followed by good times. I'd been happy, relieved even, when what I'd asked for in prayer didn't turn out the way I'd wanted it to. I knew, grudgingly knew, that God saw the Big Eternal Pattern.
"But, deep down, you do believe it. Because you've seen it happen, over and over. Live long enough and you see the pattern - autumn, winter, spring, summer. They happen throughout each human being's life. And that life is so brief and soon over. Do you really want to spend your remaining years in darkness and isolation? If you let the "deaths" of tragedy and pain teach you and mold you, your heart will grow, soften, and expand. The world's tragedy and pain have expanded my heart so that now it holds the whole world in merciful forgiveness."
"Leave me in the darkness, Lord! I'm terrified of what's out there. Of more tragedies happening. Of more tears and heartbreak."
"But, out there in the light, there's also love waiting for you. Laughter. People who care what happens to you. People who need your love and your gifts. People who know your worth. And I am with you always. Trust me. You may not understand what I am doing for you now, in your life, but one day you will understand."
His voice had become lower, coaxing, even. His hand tugged on mine, as if I were seven again. Slowly I got to my feet. We walked to the door. Slowly he opened the door. I trembled, stepped back.
"I can't do it! Can't go out there! It's too bright, too loud, too confusing..."
"So luminous, so challenging, so full of experiences of love...."
His hand gripped mine. Wouldn't let me go.
"Come away from despair - "
And he called my name. His voice wreathed my name in roses and honey and perfume, in light and the strength of swords and the crowns of kingdoms.
I walked out of the darkness, holding his hand.