First, let's list the good things about social media. It has unlimited potential to connect people, and not just friends. Daily, people are connecting with other people around the globe, deeply sharing their joys and hurts, their hopes and dreams, their intellectual concepts, their concerns about war, famine, jobs, and politics, and, most of all, their desires for peace. The more we see that others who are different from us are human beings like us, the greater our potential for international communications and collaborations.
I know how much other parents, and grandparents, and I enjoy using the Internet. We email, text, and message family and friends, enjoy FaceTime with loved ones out of town, use Facebook to share photos, recipes, or funny or inspirational memes. Online, we've sent prayers to each other, sympathy over illness and deaths, and joy over birthdays, weddings, and anniversaries. We've also watched children and teens play games online and stay in touch through phone calls, messaging, tweeting, twittering, and texting.
But, I also have concerns. I have a phone app called "I Brev" which I use to pray Morning Prayer. Why am I getting notices, messages across my screen, while I pray, that this person has made this comment on Facebook? That that person has messaged me? Even when I'm trying for the peace of praying? Hmmmm. Is there Someone Out There who wants me - and all of us - to Stay Connected?
It turns out that there is. Silicon Valley, for one. According to former Google Product Manager Tristan Harris, "There's a whole playbook of techniques that get used by app designers to get you using the product for as long as possible." Even to the point of compulsive use.
And, concerning youth, child predators want them to Stay Connected. Robert Hugh Farley, M.S., a highly decorated former police detective, former Deputy U.S. Marshal, and currently an international child sexual exploitation prevention consultant for Interpol, has this to say:
"For years, law enforcement recommended putting the family computer in an open area and also putting tape over the webcam lens when it was not in use as excellent techniques to protect children from online predators. Today with children and young people using mobile devices like smartphones and tablets almost exclusively, neither of these safety devices effectively protects children....Child molesters are always looking for new methods to sexually exploit children."
Technology is not neutral. It has a vast capacity for increasing human communication, but, paradoxically, just as great a capacity to harm human communications through distracting us from the people or work in front of us, and also from bullying, harassment, exploitation, and addiction. It can help kids with homework, but also distract kids from doing homework.
Because technology plays such a huge role in families' lives today, media specialists and groups like Screenagers suggest that having weekly, short conversations with your family about tech is so important. In fact, their weekly blog, Tech Talk Tuesday (TTT) offers parents tools and tips for discussion. Here are some information and ideas for discussion for your family from Screenagers, Tristan Harris (former Google Product Manager), and Interpol consultant Robert Hugh Farley.
According to the Kaiser Family Foundation, there's been a huge increase over the years in media use among young people.
85% of teens aged 14-17 own cells.
69% of children aged 11-13 own cells.
31% of children aged 8-10 own cells.
And as they get older, kids want to own more and more advanced technology. The owner of a cell phone which only allows users to make and receive calls, text, and in some cases take photos, is no longer satisfied. Sooner or later, they want smartphones, which allow user access to the Internet where they can also download apps.
The pressure on parents to buy smartphones for their kids is intense. How many parents have had emotionally wearing discussions with their kids, during which their kids say, cry, wail, or moan the following:
"This is junk when I can't have Internet."
"All my friends have it!"
Yet, at what age a child receives a smartphone is not the child's decision to make. It's the parent's decision. Because, as we've said, technology is not neutral. Children need not only to reap its benefits but also to be protected from its harmful influence because, well, they're CHILDREN, aren't they? Aren't we the ones who are supposedly wiser, more mature, with a lot of experiences, and more self-control? Our children are not our buddies, they are our responsibility. God gave us the responsibility when He gave them to us. Protecting them and guiding them is how we love them.
Is there a magic numerical age at which parents can safely provide their children with cells that have Internet access? "No," says former detective and Interpol adviser Robert Hugh Farley, " there's no "magic age" at which a child is capable of using a cell maturely and responsibly." He suggests making the decision using these criteria about your child:
- How responsible is he? Does she recognize, intellectually and emotionally, that actions have consequences?
- Can he resist blaming others?
- Does she require a cell for medical or safety reasons?
- Does he recognize that having a cell is a privilege, not an entitlement?
He adds, as a specialist on child molesters and pornographers, to do this as a precaution: "Sometimes caring adults consider passing down one of their own phones. If this is the case, it is important to always turn off all the extra device features that have been enabled. This would limit a child's access to apps and websites that could pose a danger."
He suggests protecting your child from sexual predators by using the following precautions when you purchase a smartphone for your child:
- In many cases, a parent can contact a cell phone provider and block Internet access and calls from phone numbers the parent has not approved.
- Parents can cap the number of texts sent and received and the number of voice minutes for which a cell can be used.
- Insist that parental permission is required for the download of each app on a mobile device. This is easily facilitated by the parent retaining the password that is required for the download of each app on a mobile device.
- Be vigilant. Physically examine the new phone on a regular basis to make sure it has not been modified. Check that the features you have disabled have not been re-enabled by your child or a school-mate.
- If your child has a Driver's License, insist that she never use the cell for calls without a Bluetooth device or for texting while driving - and provide a good parental example on this.
Farley adds:
"Technology continues to rapidly change. Even if we do not have children of our own, it is important for us to partner with parents and uphold boundaries with the young people in our life when it comes to cell phone use and social media. Parents, teachers, and all of us who are charged with protecting children must continue our efforts to stay abreast of the many new devices, software programs, and the latest apps that may be used by young people as well as child predators seeking to manipulate and sexually abuse children."
Once your child has a smartphone, it's important to monitor how often it is used. Kids in the U.S. spend an average of 6.5 hours a day on screens, not including classroom or homework. There is a real potential for compulsive use and/or addiction when anyone uses the Internet, and young people are only in the process of developing self-control - they are not all the way "there" yet. Why is there this potential for damaging overuse of screens - for all of us? Former Google Product Manager Tristan Harris has the answer to that.
Silicon Valley exploits neuroscience to keep us addicted to technology, he tells us. App designers exploit people's desire for pleasure, stimulation, and social connections to keep them hooked in to their devices for as long as possible. Whether it's intentional or not, Silicon Valley is programming users' brains.
Part of what makes this possible is that interactions with our smartphones trigger a response in a very primitive part of our brains. The human brain possesses a marvelously developed system that rewards people with good feelings when we do things that fulfill us, make us happy, or simply ensure our continued survival. Every time you check your phone and see a like or comment or retweet, your brain releases a little bit of dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with reward. It's no coincidence that dopamine is the same chemical that floods a person's brain when they use cocaine.
But dopamine isn't just associated with drugs or artificial stimulation. It's always been a part of who we are: dopamine rewards us when we eat sweets, act kindly towards other people, and receive recognition for our achievements. It's our brain's way of telling us when we're doing well. In the case of social apps like Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat, our brains are rewarding us for fulfilling a basic human need to belong. These apps are psychological triggers. So we tend to keep doing it. But - there's an insidious side to this. Harris warns us:
"By exploiting our natural tendency to seek things that make us feel good, smartphone app developers can foster compulsive use patterns. Not only CAN developers harness our neuroscience and create compulsive use and emotional investment, they DO. There's a whole playbook of techniques that get used to get you into using the product for as long as possible."
For example, Snapchat's "Streak" feature keeps a running count of how many days in a row you've interacted with each of your friends. The feature keeps users invested, and anxiety, as much as reward, keeps them coming back.
Compulsive use and addiction among smartphone and computer users is a real danger. Witness the hullabaloo in school systems that have tried to ban cell phone use in the building - kids develop real "separation anxiety" when they don't have their phones available to use. Kids think they should be able to use cells in school because adults can use them in the workplace. But, the distraction of their phones often prevents them from hearing the teacher or simply learning new things.
Social media distracts kids both at school and while doing homework. Some kids don't have the self-control to stay off digital devices because they want to play games. Why? "Because it's there," they say. Kids' brains are not mature enough for them to resist the impulse to self-distract.
Online social life certainly helps develop kids' interaction skills, but here there are pitfalls to avoid as well. Kids searching for who they are and for developing a positive personal and social self-image get over-involved in taking selfies. Because of an over-emphasis on how you look instead of who you are inside, online social life can involve girls in over-thinking about their bodies and their clothes. Knowing this danger can present a perfect opportunity for parents to affirm their daughters for who they really are, inside and out, and to re-affirm that they are truly temples of the Holy Spirit, God's daughters, with eternal worth that does not depend on their being Beauty Queen material. Having casual and serious conversations about a daughter's self-worth can help her avoid the pitfall of responding to a boy's request to send nude photos - and then endure the shame and cruel online comments as he re-sends them to all his friends!
Playing video games can also become addictive. Children intake what they see on the screen, for good and bad. After all, the military uses violent video games to de-sensitize soldiers going into battle. Kids can become more violent and aggressive from constant use of violent video games. And kids get so immersed in video games that it's hard for them to turn them off. They enter the video world and don't want to come out. It's important to monitor how much time they spend on video games. One mother could tell that her child was becoming addicted because he was gaming all night into the morning, his grades were dropping, he wasn't eating or sleeping, and he was failing at school. Internet addiction shows a similar pattern in the brain to any other addiction. Her son had to go for counseling. To detox.
As you can see, there are many topics for discussion in families about the use of social media. But there are also helpful rules that parents can give children for internet use, because, well, they're PARENTS! Parents need to be warm and loving, and part of loving is having very clear and consistent boundaries. And rules need to be justified and explained, not simply imposed. And don't listen to the complaint: "Nobody ELSE'S parents care about this stuff!" Here are some suggested rules from "Screenagers":
1. No screens in bedrooms when kids and teens go to sleep (for younger kids keep screens out completely.) Fact: 75% teens get inadequate sleep. The presence of devices disrupts sleep cycles.
2. Set time goals for studying without multitasking (using several screens at once, one for homework and one for a game or talking) and then, also, take tech breaks. Fact: Multitasking is linked to less retention and poorer academic outcomes.
3. Eat family meals without devices. Fact: face to face conversations improve mood and empathy.
Former Detective Robert Hugh Farley also suggests that phones should be turned off during school hours.
And - some tips to help your child build self-control:
1. Science shows that positive rewards work better than punishment. For example, if you observe your child focused while doing their homework without their device, praise them.
2. Build times when tech is out of sight. Have tech-free family activities, especially outside. Involve your child in different kinds of after school activities - away from tech. Self-control is hard, so decrease temptations.
3. Use TTT (mentioned above) to let your kids share with you about the reasons they like tech in their lives - the more they feel understood, the more they'll work with you on tech limits.
4. Notice if your child is using screens to avoid face-to-face interactions. Avoiding eye contact can be a symptom of overwhelming anxiety which needs to be addressed by conversation, affirmation, or even counseling.
I know this is long. But - so important!
Teaching children to count is good. But - teaching them what counts is best!
What counts is good self-control, deep loving and intimate relationships, and a knowledge that every one of us is God's child, with eternal worth, and someone who should never be used or abused. Technology is not neutral: use it for its incredible benefits, but be watchful. Be vigilant. Prepare yourself and your family to avoid social media's pitfalls. Tame the Tiger! And pray that you'll find the best ways in your families to protect, guide, and love your Screen-Agers!