His chiropractor ordered back x rays, which Paul had taken today, and he had a terrible time standing for them. He has an appointment with a neurosurgeon, who will probably order an MRI. His pain frightens me and hurts me because in the past, during a bout with sciatica, moving around, especially walking, relieved his sciatic pain, as it does mine. Not this time. At least, not yet. Right now he and I are two halves that do not come close to making a whole.
But, while I ask God over and over to heal Paul, I hesitate to ask God what's going on here, or to give Him ideas of what exactly needs to be done. Why should I? I am one small human being. God is God. And God loves Paul and God loves me, as God loves everyone. In a sense, I am nothing and God is Everything. We talk a lot today about reassuring each person that he or she is special, and that's true enough as far as it goes. But true humility is admitting to ourselves that we are created beings; that the Creator loves us because God is good, not because we are good; that our greatest joy is living united with our Creator, filled with His Love. Resting in His love. Trusting in His love.
I trust that God will bring healing to my husband. But "healing" is a tricky concept. God alone knows what needs healing in us - our minds or our bodies or our emotions or our souls. Joy can heal. Pain can heal. Darkness can heal. Light can heal. Health can heal. Illness can heal. The Divine Physician wields them all as His surgical tools to purify us, refine us, mature us, bring us to the deepest, most holistic healing possible.
God knows what is best for us, what will aid us most in moving forward on our spiritual paths and aid us most in moving deeper and deeper into our souls to find union with Him. Sometimes God unravels knotted ropes of circumstance that seem impossible to be unraveled; a situation changes almost miraculously for us, and we rejoice. "God is so good!" we say to ourselves. "God must really love me because God gave me EXACTLY what I asked for! I can really love God now."
Do we remember that Jesus, the Divine Physician, asked his apostles "Can you drink from the cup that I drink from?" Jesus asks us the same question: can we drink from the cup of suffering that he drank from? Because the way that God leads us on always contains suffering. God's covenant of love with us does not state that He plans to preserve us from all suffering. On the contrary, He often deliberately allows life to unfold unobstructed, and life contains suffering because suffering is often necessary to break down our walls of ego and soften and enlarge our hearts.
We have to ask ourselves in times of stress and suffering, - How do we love God? How much do we love God? Why do we love God?
Do we love God for what God gives us? Is that why we love the people in our lives, - for what they can give us? Do we love God for answering our prayers the way we want Him to? The people in our lives don't always give us what we want either. No, the best, the deepest love that we have for others is love for who they are in themselves. Our deepest love for God is simply loving God for Who God is - Love Itself. And we can trust God's love for us with an unconditional love because God loves us unconditionally.
St. Teresa of Avila, who suffered a great deal - misunderstanding, physical illness, the derision and scorn of many clergy - and yet was eventually proclaimed a Doctor of the Church - said once
Let nothing disturb you.
Let nothing upset you.
God alone is unchanging.
With patience all things are possible.
Whoever has God lacks nothing.
God alone is enough.
We can say that God will always make a way for us. Perhaps it's more precise to say that God IS the Way, - and the Truth, and the Life. With God, all things are possible. God will always give - and allow - what is best for us because we are His dearest children. We just have to trust that His Way for us, and those we love, is the Way to abundant, overflowing life, to a deeper understanding of Truth, to a deeper capacity for love, and to perfect, blissful eternal union with Him.