"Although she was an active member of her faith community when she first decided to seek help as a victim of domestic violence, Rose had difficulty finding faith-based support and spiritual books about domestic violence. She decided to plan and organize a support group within her own faith community, and later expanded the group to include Christian women from other faith communities. Rose has created extensive written material to help guide the group discussions as well as to help the women navigate the scriptures to find encouragement and clarity. As she developed the material for the support groups, Rose realized that women and faith communities in other locations could benefit from this material as well, so she decided to write 'A Path to Hope: Restoring the Spirit of the Abused Christian Woman.' (Her book is available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble )The purpose of the book is to empower women to understand the dynamics of domestic violence and how the scriptures can help them break the bondage of abuse."
When Rose finally recognized that she was a victim of domestic abuse, she encountered something quite widespread: a lack of knowledge and understanding about domestic abuse in her faith community. Many Catholic women, for example, think that a saintly woman is supposed to patiently endure abuse in order to be a good wife. As Simcha Fisher puts it, "Many Catholic survivors who endure domestic abuse repeat the same agonizing mantra: This marriage must be God's will. I made a vow, and it is my duty to stay and suffer." (From "The Right To Leave," in "America" magazine, July 9, 2018)
Rev. Denis Lemieux of Madonna House, an author of several books and a full-time spiritual director, radically disagrees with that disastrous outlook on marriage. He says that a spouse who leaves an abusive marriage is truly being faithful to their vows. "How is it loving that person to allow them to continue to degrade you? To love is to will the good for the other person. These are very serious decisions to work through, but I just can't see how tolerating abuse is serving the good of conjugal love and unity. Love them by holding them accountable for bad behavior."
The U.S. Bishops have written a document, "When I Call For Help," which says, "The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises." This is true whether the separation is temporary or permanent.
But many women don't understand what abuse is. "For most people, physical assault is a bright line that must not be crossed in marriage; but they are reluctant to call emotional, psychological, or sexual aggression 'abuse,'even if the perpetrator refuses to acknowledge or take responsibility for his behavior....Many of those who have been abused feel a complex tangle of emotions around their situation, including guilt, self-doubt, and self-blame. An abuser works hard to make his victim believe the abuse is her fault."(Fisher)
For example, Fisher speaks of Jennie, whose husband "kept her and her kids isolated, moneyless, sometimes close to starving. He sexually degraded her, kept her from going to school, and constantly told her that she was stupid, worthless, and crazy. But he never hit her, so it never occurred to her that he was abusing her."
These are signs of an unhealthy relationship:
- They make threats and do things just to scare me.
- They put me down just to make me feel bad when we’re alone or around friends.
- They make me do things that I don’t want to do without listening to me.
- They make me feel guilty if I don’t spend time with them.
- They don’t try to get on with my friends or family.
- They hit, slap or push me.
- They look through my phone, social media or web history.
- They want to know where I am all the time.
- They cheat on me or accuse me of cheating on them.
- They steal from me or make me buy them things.
- They make me have sex when I don’t want to.
"LORD, I FIND IT DIFFICULT to tell my story. Sometimes I forget the details. I forget the conflict. I forget the emotions because you have helped me to overcome. If it is your will, help me to recall as if it was yesterday. I remember searching for you because I felt lonely and needed your peace. I needed your peace in my time of storm.
"My life was a storm then. My marriage had fallen apart and the abuse had intensified. In my mind, I felt like I was locked in prison. Instead of loving me, my husband made me fear him. Yet you made me feel like I was in the eye of the storm— all around me was chaos, but you kept me in a place of peace and calmness.
"You, Lord, were like the light that brightens the ground after a storm. The peace and beauty you showed me motivated me to wake up at 4:00 a.m. to worship you. I was eager to meditate on your Word because I knew that in you alone I would find my strength and peace. Although I had your peace, I still found myself wanting answers from you. I remember struggling and wrestling with you. I remember asking the “why” questions. I remember questioning my faith. If I had faith, then why wasn’t my husband changing? I remember being told that my relationship with my husband is the same as my relationship with God. WOW! Will I ever have a good relationship with you since my relationship with my husband is cool and distant?
"I remember asking the questions about forgiveness. Does it mean I haven’t forgiven my husband because I react to his behaviors? If I have forgiven, why does he provoke the same emotions as before? What about suffering? We are supposed to persevere in our sufferings. I remember someone using 1 Peter 2 to demonstrate that I must persevere in my sufferings.... (But) what if he calls me belittling names in the presence of my children? Doesn’t that tell him and my children that it is OK for someone to call someone else stupid or degrading names?
"What a dilemma! I constantly felt guilty, fearful, anxious, angry, shameful, hopeless, and helpless. I felt guilty because I thought about giving up on my marriage. Does it mean that I am impatient to wait for change? Did that mean I didn’t trust you to change my situation? But during my times of confusion, you were there. You showed me that the solution was to separate and escape the abuse. I struggled with this solution because I did not want to break my marriage covenant and my understanding of your scriptures. I wanted my reasons to leave to be based on biblical convictions. I examined scriptures that dealt with marriage and divorce and found that adultery was a reason for divorce (Matthew 19:9). My husband committed adultery, but I forgave him for that. I thought about leaving after a bad beating, and had him arrested, but ended up taking him back.
"Ultimately, I developed a personal conviction and left my marriage because of the psychological and physical abuse. No one deserves to be beaten down physically and emotionally, especially by a person who professes to love her. In Malachi 2:16, you said you hate divorce but you also 'hate a man’s covering himself with violence.' When I accepted Christ as my Lord, you (God) gave me the same inheritance as every other Christian. You love me (the) same as everyone else in your family. You love me and don’t want me to be abused."
Sharon O'Brien, co-founder of Catholics for Family Peace, says that her organization's mission, in cooperation with the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, is to educate priests and parishes to recognize abuse, to respond to it, and to know where to refer people who are experiencing and initiating it. "We say recognize, respond, and refer (because) we don't want priests providing counseling. They don't have the expertise or the time." (catholicsfor familypeace.org) Their website is full of practical advice and resources for individuals and churches and features a link to Rose Saad's blog.
O'Brien recommends that the domestic violence hotline should be stored in the cell phones of all parish employees. It is also important "for the church to frequently and publicly acknowledge that abuse happens and that the church condemns it....We recommend pastors put a note in their bulletin every week or so, saying 'Someone you know may be in an abusive relationship,' and including the national domestic abuse hotline...This sends the message that the parish cares..."
The number one reason that girls and women stay in abusive relationships is love. They don't understand what real love is. They think that if they could only change themselves, their abuser will love them better. But this is so false.
Rose Saad says,
"Love never dies. It does not show itself only when things are going well. It does not disappear during disagreements or conflicts. Love lasts forever.Form the scriptural definition of love, we can all see that we were not loved in our abusive relationships. Our abusers’ actions did not demonstrate love. To move forward, we have to go to the source of love and embrace God’s love so that we can love ourselves and then love others.
"When we embrace God’s love, we are empowered to break free from the shackles of abuse. Paul knew that our inner power is established in understanding God’s love, so he prayed for us in Ephesians 3:16-19: 'I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.'
”Put your hope and trust in God’s love. Let your roots grow deeper in his marvelous love so that you may receive the power that comes only from God. This power will allow you to discard all of your dysfunctional forms of love and to love yourself and others the way he intended.'As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love' (John 15:9).