"This child is my favorite and that child is her father's favorite."
Or else, I hear from adult parents and their estranged children "We're currently not speaking to each other."
How does the oneness between parents and children splinter? What causes these splits to happen? The cracks often start when children are little. The problems can begin if parents don't know how to be generative. Generative parents know their mission is to generate new, vibrant life in their children. Generative parents know how to nurture children as individuals separate from themselves, and how to encourage them to be their own persons. These parents know their children exist in their own right, not as mirrors of their parents and not to boost their parents' egos.
Fr. Richard Rohr says "Healthy parents love their children so much that they want them to keep growing, producing, and performing to their highest potential. Good parents are even excited when their children surpass them, as my uneducated farmer parents were when I went off to higher studies. Mature parents are generative about their children and say...'Don't get too excited about the things that we did. You're going to do even greater things!'
"Immature parents only see their children as images and extensions of themselves. True love empowers and delights in the even larger and independent successes of those they love. (It is often would-be successful sons who are most resented and abused by jealous and weak fathers.)"
Even if parents are terminally immature, and/or disabled, and/or addictive, the truth is that often one or more of their children will outgrow them. Only the process of maturing themselves will help these children start to heal from their parents' rejection of them.
Even if we're mostly mature parents, we need to watch ourselves for the ways in which we're not being generative. Do we encourage our children daily, or are we hyper-critical? Do we listen to our children's dreams, or do we shoot them down, claiming that we're being "realistic?" Do we want our children to succeed in different areas to make up for the fact that we were unable or unwilling to do so?
Do we want our children's faith to be exactly like our faith, without considering that we have an adult faith and our children need to search and find their own paths to God? Our own constant vigilant prayer and spiritual self-awareness helps us as parents to grow as our children grow.
We and our children will never be in exactly the "same place," mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. We the parents will always be older! But we can always be one and in the "same space" in mutual respect and mutual appreciation of each other as lovable, beautiful people.
Jesus' Prayer at the Last Supper is a beautiful one for parents to re-work and then pray daily for unity for their families: "May we all be one, Father, as You, Father, Your Son Jesus, and Your Holy Spirit are one."
A oneness in love and purpose between parents and children is one of the greatest gifts that God gives to the world. Families that are one in love and in faith are a great sign of the Power of God and the Power of Faith to those who know them. Even if these families go through great tragedies, their love and unity grow deeper. They have the strength to allow suffering to make them stronger and compassionate instead of bitter and isolated.
If anyone ever asks you about your children "Do you have a favorite?" may you honestly answer "They are ALL my favorites."