We want them to still go regularly to Church, to keep their faith; we want them to get the best education; we want to give them strong suggestions about whom to date, whom to marry, where or how to marry, how many kids to have, how to raise them, what jobs to aim for. But they are on their own, no longer inclined to listen. And it isn't our role any longer to ask them for acceptance of or adherence to our personal household standards, goals, likes and dislikes.
We may not agree with every decision our independent young persons make. We may even think they're headed for trouble. But, holding on to a role we should give up doesn't work in our new relationship with them. If we're honest in prayer, God will help us to realize - maybe slowly - that our job of parenting children is over. We're now parenting adults. We've been a solid foundation for them. Now it's their turn.
Parenting adults means acknowledging their freedom, and encouraging them to take up their own responsibility for their lives. We can offer comfort, support, assistance, and even advice - if they want it. We continue to be good examples for them of adults living our mature faith. But each generation is a foundation for the next one, no more and no less.
We're all single stones in the inter-generational edifice God is erecting which is His dwelling. We have been the building blocks used by God to be the support of our children. Generations before us have been the foundation for our generation. Now our children are being formed by God to be the building blocks and new foundation for the generation coming after them. If we prayerfully accept our new role and new place, we can find new peace and receive even a greater depth of respect and love from our adult children.
When Paul and I resigned as Co-Pastoral Administrators of a small city parish, we wondered how we would each react in our hearts to becoming "just parishioners" again. Neither one of us wanted to leave the parish; the people were part of our family. We also wondered how our new Pastor would react to the former administrators remaining in the parish. Fr. Ron and we adopted a "wait and see" approach to the situation. And we all prayed about it.
The situation has worked out fine. Paul remains Permanent Deacon, diaconating at Mass, preaching, baptizing, conducting wake services, doing Pastoral Counseling with parishioners. Fr. Ron keeps us on staff as senior resource people.
There are moments when I feel useless and "out of place." But I remind myself that we are there to comfort, affirm, support, and assist the new building blocks in the edifice of God's Church. Generations of Pastors before us were our sure foundation; then we were the foundation; now we are the support for those who are building the Church's foundations NOW. Knowing our new role gives us peace and confidence in God's ongoing activity among His people. And, I have re-invented myself by enjoying my new ministry of writing this Weeby blog.
This past weekend, our former-daughter-in law Merritt (the widow of our deceased son Peter) came to town with her new husband Tom and the children to meet, be welcomed, and have lunch with our deceased son's local siblings. My emotions were overwhelming and complex: quiet tears, remembering Peter with his young children and realizing that they would never experience his fatherly smile, words, guidance, and hugs again on earth. Yet also overwhelming joy in realizing that the reality of now, - and God lives and graces us in the NOW - is that the boys have someone new in their lives who also loves and fathers them.
Our son Paul and his family and our daughter Mary Beth and her family got to see their brother's adopted children interact with Tom, their new father. And Tom, steady-eyed and humorous, shared with us his plans for and ways of raising these three special and very active boys. And we all laughed together at all the cousins' shenanigans.
Peter was the foundation, the first building block, for fathering the boys; now Tom has been called by God to be their new foundation, to continue the work, the ministry of fathering and forming them to become a strong foundation for the generation after them. Tom is filled with love and skill and commitment, which is so healing for the rest of us to see. We pray for him, and for Merritt, and our hearts are at peace, trusting God's work. Tom and our family are no longer strangers to each other; together we have become co-workers so that our shared family becomes a household dedicated to God.
St. Paul reminds us:
"So then you are no longer strangers and sojourners, but you are fellow citizens with the holy ones and members of the household of God, built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the capstone. Through Him the whole structure is held together and grows into a temple sacred in the Lord; in him you are also being built together into a dwelling place of God in the Spirit." (Ephesians 3!9-22.)
It can be stressful when there are changes in our lives - sometimes brought about by tragedies - and our roles change. We can be frustrated and confused because we are no longer "in control" of a segment of our lives. We may even feel useless, no longer wanted. Or we feel as if we've lost part of our identity or part of our family's identity. But we can never lose our identity of being precious and unique building blocks in the edifice of God's dwelling. God needs each of us to accomplish His work of building us together to be His dwelling place. Every stone, or brick, - which is what we are - is absolutely necessary to support the rest. We just need to remember that everyone else is necessary as well - even if they "seem" to take our place or the place of someone else.
When we go to God in prayer, God tells us that we are His, that He loves us and has created us for a special purpose. In prayer, picture an old brick Church, one with hand-made bricks that have been hand-mortared; this kind of Church has its own unique symmetry. God reminds us that we are a brick, one God has formed by hand; He chooses to lay us down and mortar us into just the right place He needs us in the Church's structure. If God's work - the building He is erecting - is our priority as well as God's priority, we too can appreciate each brick, each building block, who adds immensely to God's ongoing construction work.
God the Father is the Architect, the Master Builder. The Holy Spirit is the Brick-Maker and Brick-layer, Who forms and chooses the bricks to be used and how and where to place them. And Jesus is the capstone - the One Who is the central stone in a building's arch, the One Who unites us and holds us all in place and in unity. With Jesus as the Center Which holds, God can overcome every trouble and difficulty!
We are each one stone or brick in the middle of God's building. As Max Lucado says,
"Identity: smack dab in the middle....Neither omnipotent nor impotent. Neither God's MVP nor God's mistake....There is no one God won't use."
The truth of who we are, both significant and insignificant, can be a blow to our false ego. On the other hand, knowing we are one of the many, that God creates us for a special purpose but that everything doesn't rest on us but on Him - can be a huge relief! We can trust in God, Architect and Builder, to bring His Church to completion, and our hearts can be at peace.