Some days, one more bad thing happens, and it's the final bad thing, the one that tips over the apple cart and sends us so emotionally off balance that our whole life is skewed and out of control. We yell at our family. We yell at ourselves for yelling at our family. We yell at God because He's allowing all these bad things to happen. We storm out of the room. Maybe out of the house. Maybe out of the driveway in our car.
Some days seem like a trip into hell. And we want to get out of there as fast as possible, but we don't know how. We walk or drive faster and farther. But we know that running away from things will only send us farther into the isolation of hell so eventually we force ourselves to head home.
When it's finally time to go to bed, we might drift off into an exhausted sleep but sooner or later we wake up and lie there staring at a shadowed ceiling, feeling closed up in a dark, airless box. And we shake.
Something deep inside speaks to us: "Reach for God. Reach for God's hand. Reach for your rosary. Reach for a cross. Reach for a Divine Mercy chaplet. Reach for your Bible. Hold on. Hold on. Murmur a prayer. Say it over and over. An Our Father. A Hail Mary. A Creed. An ejaculation, like "Oh Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place my trust in You." Or "Come Holy Spirit and enlighten us and with Your grace strengthen us."
The Holy Spirit keeps speaking: "Pray your prayers, your rosary, your Chaplet, your Scripture verse over and over, letting the words circle your mind like a circlet of flowers. Over and Over. You may be too frozen inside to feel the message of the words. You may not be able to concentrate on the meaning. But your words bring you into God's Presence. Your words bring you into His Mercy."
Maybe glints of light start to sparkle occasionally in the darkness. Maybe a second of peace floats on the turbulence. Maybe eventually the words cease coming and we're floating on and in the darkness, mind empty, too tired to argue with God, life, our family, or ourselves any longer.
Whether we've wanted to get there or not, all those prayers, all those beseeching words have brought us to this place and these words:
"Speak, Lord, your servant is listening."
Still. Be still. Now it's God's turn. Do we hear God's words to us? Maybe not. But His Presence is with us, the Presence of the Divine Physician. Maybe our hearts slow down. The shaking eases. A little courage seeps into our souls. Our hearts begin to soften as we think of our family. We begin to feel able to forgive them and forgive ourselves too. Maybe they were simply there, caught in the storm of our anger. Maybe tomorrow we can speak to them again. Make peace with them. Talk over what's bothering us.
Maybe the tears that we've been holding in begin to flow, loosening the tight chain across our chests. And we let out all the turbulence of that storm of anger and grief that's been building in us for days. Finally we wipe our eyes and realize we feel cleansed inside. Faith tells us that God our Father cradled us the whole time.
Peace is descending into the dark, airless box that we're trapped in. Peace is lowering the walls. We don't know why we feel peace inside, just that we do. Our life hasn't changed. The problems haven't changed. We've changed. The challenges seem bearable now, not the end of the world.
By the time daylight begins to glow around the bedroom shade we feel more centered, more ourselves. Tentative, but able to face the day. A little hope drifts in with the sunlight. Life is not all bad. Perhaps right now there are great fissures across life's landscape. But we know God has given us the courage to cross over them. And now, our life tilted back towards normalcy, we are able to see the loving, outstretched hands of people around us ready to hold ours.
God's Presence is so delicate, so subtle, that sometimes we don't recognize His healing work right away. But He's there, waiting for us to turn our heads. To meet His quiet eyes. To hear us say "Thank You" for His once more calming our inner storms and leading us out to walk on water. If we listen closely, maybe we can humbly hear Him say "Those who are healthy don't need a Physician, but the sick do." (Luke 5:31.) And we can reply "Amen!"