"The holidays are coming, and I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready again. It's winter and I feel as frozen inside as the landscape is outside. I tried making out my gift list today, but the tears kept getting in the way. It's so hard to think about gifts and fun and the holidays when a loved one has died.
"As I get out the dishes and count the silverware, I am acutely aware of the empty place at the family table. I'm trying to find the holiday spirit, but when the family circle has been broken by death, the only things that sparkle this season are my tears." (from "Getting Through the Holidays When You've Lost a Loved One," CareNotes from Abbey Press, 2004.)
It's true: we will always grieve. There will always be a hole in our heart from the loss of a child, spouse, parent, or cherished friend. It's also true that eventually we will learn to live with that grief. Part of admitting that we are grieving during Advent and Christmas is consciously adjusting our expectations of ourselves during these difficult weeks. As our grieving changes over the years, what we will do during this season can and will change as well. Sims has suggestions for steps you can take to give the holidays a new meaning, especially the first Advents and Christmases after a loved one's death.
BE PATIENT AND REALISTIC: We are our own worst enemy during the holidays if we have a mental picture of how things OUGHT to be and refuse to adjust our self-expectations to how we really are feeling and what we're capable of. Grieving is hard work, and takes a huge toll on our energy. Sims says, "Be kind and gentle with yourself, and realistic about what you expect. Leave the word 'ought' out of the holiday season this year...It is an important strategy for health and well-being."
When you're grieving, it's so hard to concentrate. Make lists to help yourself, and prioritize things. "Decide what is important to you this holiday season, and scratch the rest off the list this year. You can always add things back in years to come," says Sims.
IT'S OK TO SAY 'NO" TO OTHERS: Be honest with friends and relatives about what your needs are, and remember that "you do not have to accept every invitation or fulfill every responsibility that comes your way this holiday season. Accept invitations and take on obligations only as you have the energy and the desire to do so. Make all your 'yeses' tentative this year." (Sims)
Be honest with others in your family who love traditions and want everything to be as it always has been. Perhaps you do find comfort in doing everything as you have done it before. But perhaps you simply can't. If you need to change things, or omit things, explain this. Those who love you will understand.
GO WITH SIMPLICITY: Choosing how, when, or even whether to decorate can be the hardest task. There is a terrible grief in realizing that you don't have the "heart" to do much, but be true to yourself at this time. Choose simplicity. "If you can't decorate the yard, decorate the house. If the house seems too big to tackle, decorate a room, a corner, or a table. There is nothing wrong with simplicity." (Sims)
If the fact that you can't bring yourself to decorate as much as you did in the past grieves you, here is some comfort: after six Christmases without our son, my husband and I finally have had the energy to put up ALL of our decorations this year. We still stop to weep, and we will never be the same, but we've regained our joy in the season.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF PHYSICALLY: Avoid the temptations of the two extremes of grieving. First, "avoid the temptation to numb your pain through overindulgence in the season's many culinary delights. You will only feel worse later." (Sims). Second, "do not deny yourself the pleasures of good food and companionship out of a sense of obligation to the deceased. Remember that your loved one would want to see you smiling, happy, surrounded by those you hold dear." (Sims)
In fact, if you have faith, you recognize that your loved one is still with you in spirit and DOES want to see you enjoy the loved ones who still surround you. A spiritual temptation of grieving is to withdraw from others and withhold your love. A sign of your faith is to keep on loving those who are in your life still
even when you feel empty and dry; God will gift you with the energy to keep loving others.
DEVELOP NEW TRADITIONS FOR YOURSELF: "If the fact that you won't be buying a gift for your departed loved one saddens you, buy a simple gift and...give it to someone who otherwise would not have a gift." (Sims) Volunteer at a soup kitchen; stop by a nursing home. Give all the extra love in your soul away to those who need it. This is a way of honoring your loved one.
CULTIVATE GRATITUDE: Of course you will be grieving, remembering that these holidays will never be the same for you again. It's only natural and right that you will cry, sometimes unexpectedly. But also search for the spirit of gratitude. Be thankful that nothing can ever erase the truth that this much-loved person was in your life and gave you such joy. No one can take those memories from you. And - have faith that, because of the Babe of Bethlehem, one day you will be reunited with your loved one again, where there will be no tears of separation and you will enjoy everlasting feasting with all your loved ones.
I would like to add these observations from my own grief journeys:
RECOGNIZE THAT BECAUSE YOU GRIEVE, YOU ARE STRONG: In the quote above, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross tells us, "You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you've suffered." Allowing our hearts to be shattered is not high on a list of what we'd want to do in our life. In fact, many people run away from their grief, never allow it to penetrate to the marrow of their souls. But, if we do not consciously walk through our grief, we cannot eventually heal and our experienced grief cannot transfigure us into someone who is whole, and a new creation. So - if you are grieving fully, holding nothing back, - you are strong.
Tim Farrington says " . . we are often encouraged to buck up, to get over it, and so to throw out the baby of the slow true process of grieving with the bathwater. Grief will never go away, if we’re really paying attention. It’s part of being awake: we love, and we lose those we love to the erosions of time, sickness, and death (until those we love lose us to the same). To lose a loved one is to be called to come to genuine terms with that loss, or risk losing touch with that in us which loved." (from Tim Farrington, A Hell of Mercy: A Meditation on Depression and the Dark Night of the Soul (Harper One: 2009), 47-48.
YOU CAN BECOME A HEALER: If you "sit with" your grief - and recognize that God is laboring through your grief with you - then, months or years later, you'll be able to ask yourself, "What are the ways in which my losses have transfigured my soul?" We walk out of the furnace of grief, and discover both new fragility and new strength in ourselves, both new detachment and new, poignant awareness of the importance of every moment, every experience of being with our loved ones.
After our hearts have shattered so completely, once they heal, who can we become? If, in our experience of grief, we can move through bitterness to discover wisdom, we can become a guide for others - a wounded healer, a living embodiment of God's Comfort for His people. We can become a Light in the world, a Light in the darkness which reflects the Light of Jesus, the Morning Star Who never sets. You can become a compassionate person, and others who are grieving will say to you, "You understand."