I wondered then what it would be like to be a widow, old and living alone, with few people calling or coming to visit. Or a single person, living alone, with no one to listen to my fears or hurts. What if I felt like this day after day? And some people do! The world is a huge, dark, lonely and scary place, and I felt tiny and unprotected that day, ready to burst into tears.
But then, there can be times when I'm in a crowd and feel lonely, because there's no one there whom I can really open my heart to and feel "at home" with. In fact, there are few people in my life whom I can confide in and believe that I am understood by them when I try to explain my life, especially my problems, to them. And even with my nearest and dearest, I know that they have not lived my experiences. I thought of myself, trying to explain myself, when I read these lines written by Fr. James Martin in "Seven Last Words":
"The particular problems that you face in your family, for example, are so complex, so shot through with complicated family histories and relationships, as to be almost unexplainable to others. Struggles in your workplace are also complex, hard to explain. The physical problems you deal with are by their very nature private, since no one else can climb into your body and experience your pain. Overall, the struggles you face about almost any part of your life are so private, so personal, and so unique, that even when you do explain them, you may feel that you've given someone the wrong impression."
So many times I have tried to explain about a personal pain or struggle to a professional counselor, confessor, or spiritual director, and felt my words falling flat, unable to express my inner conflicts, or to describe the complexity of a particular person! Words cannot describe either my inner life or the deep mystery of another human psyche. How absolutely lonely I feel when I know that, essentially, I am alone in understanding myself. Even my husband, my closest friend, cannot read my mind, plumb the depths of my soul. Even when we have the same experience, we understand it and respond to it in totally different ways.
But, in the depths of my frustration and even anger at my inability to explain myself or be understood, I have gone to my room, closed the door, flung myself down on my bed, often burst into tears, and vented to the One Whose beloved Name is Counselor: Jesus, the Risen Christ, who is always with you and me.
Fr. Martin backs me up: "But there is one person who understands you fully: the Risen Christ."
God our Father, Jesus, the Risen Christ, and the Holy Spirit live inside you and me; the Father has created us through the Son and in the power of the Holy Spirit - God knows us through and through! There is no where we could go to be away from God. God knows every thought, every emotion, every struggle, every joy, in our lives! And God accepts us for who we are at every moment, not harshly judging, not saying "I'll withhold My love till you improve;" not giving us the cold shoulder. No, God loves us - always. And Jesus, the Risen Christ, understands us thoroughly and can powerfully aid us because Jesus has both a human and a divine nature.
"Jesus understands your human life because he lived a human life. So you are never alone in your suffering. The Risen Christ - alive and present to us in the Holy Spirit - is with you in your suffering. He is with you in his divinity - that is, he knows all things and therefore understands your suffering fully. And he is with you in his humanity - he experienced all of those things. If you've ever felt alone in your struggles, you no longer have to. You can know that Jesus understands you in every way. And when you pray to Jesus, you are praying to someone who understands you. This may help you to feel less alone." (Martin.)
When I pray to Jesus, my human and divine Counselor, I hold nothing back. I tell him about every thought and feeling I have about both people and situations, even those I am ashamed of. God knows it all any way! But my saying it to God -in-Jesus makes my thoughts and feelings more real to me because I'm "owning" them. "Help me to understand this" or "Help me to understand him/her" I say, tortured by my own complexity and short-comings and frustrated by the complexity and short-comings of others.
Inexplicably as I speak to Jesus, I begin to catch little glimpses of insight. Insight into myself and others and difficult situations. Resting in God's understanding and power, I realize that I can keep going, with more patience, more gentleness, more courage, more love. Because I am understood and accepted to my depths by God, by Jesus who has lived among human beings who were as complex and had as many short-comings as those who are in my life.
To know that we are totally understood and totally accepted by God is the greatest healing we can have in our lives. The greatest healing for loneliness. The greatest healing for feelings of unworthiness or shame. The greatest healing for fears and the inability to move forward. Jesus tells us "I have loved you with an everlasting love." Jesus tells us "I will always be there for you." And we trust that our Counselor will flood us with the graces and gifts that we need in every situation - immediately as we ask in trust.
We do not have to fear the great Miracle Worker. Jesus wants to come closer to us, to bear our burdens with us. "I will be with you to the end of time," he says. And he will proceed to work miracles of grace and healing in your life if you "take him on" as your greatest, most reliable, and available - 24 hours a - day Counselor.