Deacon Eddie Ensley, a Licensed Clinical Pastoral Counselor, retreat master, and author of many books and articles, has various disabilities. He was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck, which affected his speech patterns as well as his ability to navigate from place to place, and some of his motor skills. When he was in Junior High, other students would deliberately knock a pile of books out of his hands and then laugh as he laboriously picked them up. Some teachers were wonderful; others told him that basically he had no future. Since he did not receive an official diagnosis of the cause and nature of his disabilities until he was an adult, his mother did not understand the situation and told him he'd have to change in order to succeed in life. She did not understand that he physically and mentally could NOT change.
Once Deacon Eddie was an adult, fully diagnosed, and a successful counselor, he wrote a book about his life's journey from brokennness to wholeness. His mother read the book and called him, crying. She was so glad to have read his book, she said, because now she understood his disabilities and the terrible psychic pain that he'd gone through. He rushed to her house. They embraced each other. "How you must have hurt!" she said. And they both said "I love you," in a tender, healing, God-graced moment. He'd forgiven her, for she truly had not understood the ramifications of her words and attitudes when he was a boy.
Is it any wonder that Deacon Eddie has a deep and intimate understanding of our human struggle to forgive? He says "Forgiveness is a journey. The deeper the wound, the longer the journey." He realizes that to forgive from the heart takes much prayer and a spiritual journey that can last many years.
In some situations, we can meet with another and voice our forgiveness - often of each other - a true healing moment. Families and friendships can be restored.
Other times, especially if we have been abused, meeting with our abuser is neither practical nor wise - but our inner attitude can change. We can refuse to allow another's abusiveness to have power over us, to wreck our self-esteem, to eat us alive with anger and resentment and a desire for revenge. We can psychically let go and move on.
According to Deacon Eddie, there are two preliminary steps to forgiveness.
The first step is our inner recognition that we are sinners in need of God's forgiveness. We need to routinely go to God for the forgiveness of our own sins. And we need to watch how God forgives us. God doesn't "beat us up" over what we've done. God looks into our hearts, sees that we're sincere, and is simply deeply grateful that we've returned to Him and allowed Him back into our lives. Just think of how, in Jesus' Parable, the Father waits for His Prodigal Son's return, runs to the boy, and wraps His arms around him. That's what God does to us and for us! He not only forgives our sins, He forgets them so our relationship with Him can "begin again" in a brand new way.
We can ask ourselves: are we capable of that kind of deep, loving forgiveness? Can we not only forgive, but forget also? Can we be anxious to, if it's feasible, rebuild our relationship with the person who has hurt us?
I personally have been part of this kind of whole-hearted forgiveness in my family relationships, especially with my husband. When two people live in close proximity, the situations in which we can hurt and misunderstand each other in multiple ways occur daily. Love makes us sensitive to even our spouse's tone of voice, to our spouse not hearing or responding to our comments, or failing to notice if we've done something especially thoughtful, or losing his/her temper with us over something trivial, or misunderstanding our motives.
Then again, both spouses are usually equally guilty of similar insensitivity! Recognizing that our spouse and our God need to forgive us often can lead to our humbly asking forgiveness of each other over and over - and then quickly forgetting without "beating each other up" emotionally. Forgiveness prevents the escalation of anger and resentment. Forgetting stops snowballing estrangement. Forgiving and forgetting result in our arms being wrapped around each other with a pledge to re-start our relationship in a brand new way.
The second step on our journey to forgiveness is to choose to mentally walk a mile in the shoes of the one who has hurt us. To see what his or her life is like. Why? Seeing the various trials, tribulations, and even psychological problems the other has can help us to better understand why the other lashed out at us, wounding us. Then, as Deacon Eddie says, "To know all is to pardon all."
I see this as Jesus' reason for forgiving all the people whose decisions and motives led to his crucifixion. Writhing in bloody pain on the cross, he raised his heart to his Father and prayed "Father, forgive them, they don't know what they're doing." Jesus knew that no one involved in his crucifixion truly "got" the whole picture of what was happening. And they operated out of different motives.
Some Church leaders were defensive, protective of their own power. Some truly feared that Jesus was leading others astray and also that he had political ambitions and could bring the wrath of Rome down on their people's heads. The soldiers were obeying their superiors so they could keep their jobs. Some of them, too, were probably sadists, psychologically disturbed individuals who enjoyed inflicting pain. And the crowd was a typically fickle, superficial crowd with typically shifting loyalties, much like the "crowd" today who can praise a politician or movie star one day and verbally tear him or her apart the next day.
Jesus knew how limited, needy, and fearful we human beings are, how often we make bad decisions and even sin to protect ourselves or to win people's favor and approval. He understood, he loved, he forgave. It's much harder for us. It can take years. Yet forgiveness - a grace - can always happen.
We can even say that we understand the one who has abused us. People who are abusers were most likely abused themselves as children. It is the only pattern of relationship that they have experienced or understand. Does that excuse them? No. But a glimpse inside their wounded psyches can help us let go of a vengeful anger, a negative energy that can destroy our ability to grow.
Paul and I have had to forgive people who maliciously lied about us by recognizing their mental illness and that their lying is a pathological illness. It doesn't excuse their actions. But we understand why they did what they did. In Jesus' Name we can forgive them, send positive healing spiritual energy their way. They too are children of our Father.
The most painful situations often occur when we need to forgive the people we considered our friends, fellow Church members who hurt us and vilify us simply for breaking from the crowd and having an independent spiritual opinion. So often this happens when people are at different stages of spiritual growth or have had different life experiences. Immaturity results in the desire for "Crowd and Church control." Often we see this verbal violence on Facebook.
People want a unified Church. Yet it is impossible for us ever to have a completely unified Church because the Church itself and its members are each on a separate, evolving spiritual journey. Evolution only happens on this earth when there is upset, turmoil. So there are constant disagreements over which moral issue is the most important. Disagreements over varying Scriptural interpretations. Disagreements on how the Church's moral positions on certain issues may need to evolve, or on how to behave pastorally. Disagreements on everything from just war theory to pacifism to whether or not to welcome refugees to whether to vote Republican or Democrat.
Peaceful acceptance of each other requires us to work long, hard, and diligently on respectful communication. For when we disagree with each other with verbal violence, verbal insults, accusing each other of disloyalty or immorality or even heresy, we are sinning, exercising unforgiveness, crucifying Jesus in each other all over again. And the accused one faces the challenge to become like Jesus, the truly Forgiving Victim, and to pray "Father, forgive them, they don't understand me, my spiritual position, what I hope to accomplish, or my loyalty to You, my Father."
How important it is for Church leaders to forgive and to help their people to forgive. First, they can meet people pastorally one on one in order to understand them. To understand Church members angry at God because a loved one died. To understand former Church members who are angry and cannot forgive the Church because they divorced and remarried without annulments (often because they feared the detailed paperwork and laying bare their lives), and they feel excluded. To understand former or current Church members who are homosexuals or lesbians and exist in a "don't ask don't tell" situation, mortally afraid of being asked to leave if someone discovers their sexual orientation or that they have a secret spouse - and incredibly lonely and angry because they fear to share their deepest identity with anyone.
How important it is for Church leaders to prove trustworthy, to listen and truly hear these stories without defensive anger or rigid judgement on their part, and then to patiently guide and accompany these members of the flock on their spiritual journeys, as Pope Francis does himself and has requested that we do. If we can meet others with the Father's love for them as precious individuals, if we can absorb their anger and bitterness and unforgiveness, we can help to melt their anger and unforgiveness away. Because they're no longer alone. Jesus walks with them in us; Jesus in them awaits our wiping of their bloody faces and our brushing their tears away.
Deacon Eddie had great insight into the results of failing to forgive, whether it's failure to forgive a person or an institution. He said "The danger of failing to forgive is resentment. Resentment is the cocaine of emotions. Cocaine gives a false energy which makes it addictive." When our energy is fueled by resentment, we "get high" on constantly criticizing others, thinking of a million reasons why they aren't "worthy" of our forgiveness. Slowly but surely the other becomes the demon and we become the innocent victimized angel. Maybe we've been unfairly victimized in a particular situation. But we're never innocent angels in this life, any more than the person or institution that hurt us is.
Once we own up to our own sinfulness, we can ask God for forgiveness. We can bask in His love, His acceptance, His willingness to forget. We then have the inner security to look at those who have hurt us in other situations and let go of the drug of resentment. We who are so loved can look at ourselves and admit that no one is ever "worthy" of forgiveness - not even us! Forgiveness is always, always freely given and never based on a false estimate of "worth."
If God will forgive all of us, fully and freely, if we only ask, we can extend that gift of forgiveness. In His amazing grace, we too can open our hearts to God, receive His forgiving love which forgets all so our relationship with Him can be made new. Then, purified and healed and humble, we can turn to the others in our lives, and in God's power, learn how to forgive, forget, and repair and rebuild our relationships. It's the only way we can make God's Kingdom real among us.