But the wildest, least explored, yet most encompassing territory of my whole life is my own wild heart, and the magnificent interior castle of my own soul.
When I was young I thought it was enough to attend Mass, to go to Confession, to pray on my rosary beads, to believe and understand all the dogmas and rituals of my own Church. It was enough to think of life as a punishment and reward system and to learn the wonderful stories of the Bible.
And it was enough, for a child. Sometimes I even heard God's Voice.
When I was older, I thought it was enough to flex my spiritual muscles, to learn various forms of prayer, to read the latest spiritual authors, to become active in Church ministry, to love my Church and my Catholic Christian identity, and to see with satisfaction how I was spiritually growing. To be part of a community, a group of like-minded friends. And it was enough, for a young and middle-aged person. God's Voice rang in my soul with greater clarity. But not always.
Life has a way of darkening, of breaking us apart, of making us see with dreadful clarity that life is neither black nor white but gray, that in every one of us evil is intertwined with good, that in spite of all our rituals, and prayers, and marvelous words, and good works, and successes, that there is a deep nothingness, a deep void inside us, a place deep inside us that only God can fill. And that in the rush and fervor and noisiness of our "good lives," we've sometimes buried, almost obliterated, God's Voice. It's an important and necessary lesson to learn, our nothingness. We need humility to hear God's Voice.
What's most needed to hear God's Voice is that humility of surrender. What can hold us back from surrender is to keep on thinking that life is a punishment and reward system, that it's enough to go to Church, to say memorized prayers, to have a Catholic or Christian identity, to belong to a group of like-minded Church friends. But we can do all those things, and still not surrender to God's Voice within us, not travel deep into our own wild hearts, not broach the unknown territory of our own souls, not walk through that marvelous interior castle where God dwells in the center waiting to encounter us. We can do all the "good" things, all the "right" things, and never meet God - because we've never asked God to meet Him. We've kept Him at a distance so that we can live life on our own terms.
Yet God keeps calling us, never giving up, calling us with the insistent passion of the Divine Lover, waiting patiently for our response. One way I learned to respond was from a deep prayerful listening to "I Want To Know What Love Is," a song by Foreignor which really talks about a spiritual journey.
Here are some of the words that struck me, words I found myself singing to God:
"Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
Through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder
In my life, there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I want to know what love is
I want you to show me
I want to feel what love is
I know you can show me
I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me......
Show me love is real.......
Undoubtedly this song was written to illuminate the power of human love, and yet.... Whose love but God's love can fill us with an understanding of what love really is? Whose love but the love of Jesus on the cross really SHOWS us what love is? Whose love but God's love burning within us can eradicate the deep, inconsolable, painful loneliness that eats away at us no matter how many lovers or how many technological toys or how many successes we've had? And - can we ever experience this transformative power of God's love until we take a little time? Until we allow ourselves to grow still and attentive? Until we stop hiding? Until we allow God to finally find us? Until we find the courage to step inside ourselves to find our True Selves hidden with God?
To be mature, to "have true, mature religion," is simply this: we don't say the prayers, do the rituals, have a "Catholic or Christian Identity," do the good works, and avoid the sins, because of a punishment and reward system that somehow "saves" us - instead we are who we are, do what we do, because we've fallen in love with God, our True Beloved, and cannot bear the thought of living separated from Him.
Once we live from our centers where we are united with God, we may be "doing the same things," but we have been transformed inside; we are no longer operating from our own egos; - instead we have become God's humble instruments, pouring forth God's love. It is no longer we who live; God lives and works from inside us. Our own selves may feel dry and despairing, or depressed and forsaken, but our souls are continually comforted by our Father, continually refreshed and revivified by the One Who is Living Bread and Living Water, and continually set on fire by the Holy Spirit. We no longer live from our own agendas; God speaks His agenda to us, and we find ourselves living and loving in places that our small selves never would have dared to go.
"There is a secret place. A radiant sanctuary. As real as your own kitchen. More real than that. Constructed of the purest elements. Overflowing with the ten thousand beautiful things. Worlds within worlds, forests, rivers....A wine cellar offering an intoxication so sweet you will never be sober again. A clarity so complete you will never again forget.
"This magnificent refuge is inside you. Enter. Shatter the darkness that shrouds the doorway....Be bold. Be humble.....Close your eyes and follow your breathing to the still place that leads to the invisible path that leads you home.
"Listen. Softly the One you love is calling. Listen. At first you will only hear traces of His voice. Love letters He drops for you in hiding places. In the sound of your baby laughing....in the nameless sorrow that fills your heart when you wake in the night and remember that the world has gone to war and you are powerless to break up the fight. Let the idle chatter between friends drop down to what really matters. Listen. Later His voice will come closer. A whisper you're almost sure is meant for you fading in and out of the cacophony of thoughts, clearer in the silent space between them.....
"Be brave and walk through the country of your own wild heart. Be gentle and know that you know nothing. Be mindful and remember that every moment can be a prayer.....
"What a spectacular kingdom you have entered! .....And when you have dismissed the serpents of vanity and greed, conquered the lizards of self-importance, and lulled the monkey mind to sleep, your steps will be lighter.
"No one else controls access to this perfect place. Give yourself your own unconditional permission to go there. Absolve yourself of missing the mark again and again. Believe the incredible truth that the Beloved has chosen for His dwelling place the core of your own being because that is the single most beautiful place of all creation. Waste no time. Enter the center of your soul." (from Mirabai Starr's Introduction to her translation of St. Teresa of Avila's "The Interior Castle" )