I can't predict on which days I will experience paralyzing depression that makes even folding a load of wash a titanic struggle.
I can't control my memory that persists in replaying the anguish of her dying, my feelings of helplessness, and my wondering if I should have realized sooner that she was dying - a replay that usually occurs during the blackest pit of night, leaving me sleepless.
I can't control my fragile emotions that become frayed when I have to mail out death certificates, fill out insurance forms and have them notarized, write thank you notes to people who came to the funeral home and/or the funeral Mass and/or sent sympathy cards. (They're still not finished!)
Depending on the quality and substance of a lost relationship, grieving ignites a bonfire of conflicting emotions for us. Missing the joy of a precious relationship. Or grieving because the relationship was severely flawed. Grieving the what-ifs - what if I'd been more mature, worked harder at the relationship, or the job, or in maintaining my health. Anger that the relationship ended too soon before all the important words were spoken, all the wounds were healed. Sometimes people's expressions of sympathy are balm and honey; on other days we may experience them as being insensitive or painful. Sometimes people presume that our relationship or job was simply, straightforwardly good; and we experience shame because we know, with lost innocence, that it was not.
Healthy grieving empowers us to accept our emotions, including negative ones, allowing them to "flow through" us. We feel what we feel; believing in the importance of truth allows us to acknowledge what we feel without judging ourselves or "whipping" ourselves. God loves us and accepts us at every moment; we should, too.
Are there any ways then in which we can "manage" our grief?
Here, Faith is our biggest ally! Whenever we sink into depression, we can also take some time to reach for the lifeline of what God means when God promises Heaven to those who long to be united with Him and their loved ones.
Faith empowers us to believe in Jesus' promise to us before he ascended to his Father and our Father: that he left us to prepare a home where we can be with him and our loved ones forever. That means that, no matter how perfect or imperfect our lost relationships are, those relationships aren't over. God isn't finished with those relationships yet! One of the great gifts of eternity is that there we will be made new: that means that our capacity for love, understanding, and forgiveness will be purified, deepened, made perfect.
When we re-meet those who have gone before us, our true School of Relationships begins. When God says in Scripture that in Heaven, all tears will be wiped away, that means that God will remove not only the sadness of missing and longing for others, but also God will remove the sadness of arguments, misunderstandings, and miscommunications that marred those relationships here on earth. We will then fully understand and live the perfection of love: patience, kindness, courtesy, humility, faithfulness, understanding....
Here, everyone realistically knows that Love means CONSTANTLY having to say "I'm sorry." Heavenly Love means NEVER having to say "I'm sorry"!
Whenever grief makes us feel isolated from humanity, or makes us want to isolate ourselves from humanity, Faith again is our biggest ally. We can reach out for the lifeline of Jesus' promise to never leave us until the end of time. Jesus can navigate us through the treacherous waters of grief so that we don't fall overboard and drown in an excess of self-indulgent self-pity. Jesus can navigate us into peaceful prayer and surrender and trust in the Father that He brings all things to the good for us. Jesus can remind us that as often as we experience deaths in our lives, we also experience resurrections and new life. Jesus says to us "Don't stop dreaming - there is goodness and life ahead of you."
Before Jesus ascended into Heaven, he promised us the Holy Spirit, the Advocate. Jesus was saying to us, "Stay open to receiving this Gift from the Father and me! When you "get" the Holy Spirit, you get your Fire back!" The wonderful courage, exuberance, and passion of the Holy Spirit can continually fall afresh on us as we open the arms of our spirits to these Flames of Love! For example, I felt totally empty when I sat down at the computer tonight. What would I speak about? But I've learned that every time I directly tell God the Holy Spirit that I am opening myself for inspiration and I mentally take a step forward, I am lifted up and carried to where God wants me to be.God will always place dreams in our hearts for us to pursue. Yes, we will have down days of depression and tears, but if we persevere, we will also have those days when God carries us forward to accomplish His plans in our lives.
No, grief cannot be managed or controlled in the same way we can organize a schedule, a party, or a day for surgery. Grief is a sometimes overwhelming ocean, and we struggle to stay afloat. But our Faith reminds us that God is an Ocean of Mercy. God will not allow us to sink and drown in grief. The Divine Physician reminds us that when grief is too overwhelming, we should seek counseling, support groups, and even medication.
Faith also reminds us that the way our relationships existed and ended here is not the end of the story; God is not finished with them or us yet. In Heaven, we will be perfectly united with God and our loved ones; our very understanding of and capacity for love will be purified and perfected beyond our wildest understanding: Eye has not seen, ear has not heard, what God is preparing for those who love Him.
Faith in Jesus is our greatest support; Jesus helps us re-enter society when we would prefer to be isolated. Jesus empowers us to keep on loving those around us and to keep on giving as the wounded healers we can become when we minister in His Name. Jesus our navigator steers us into the peaceful waters of the prayer of surrender, the prayer of trust in our heavenly Father Who brings us from deaths to resurrections, who brings all things to the good for those who love Him.
Faith in the Holy Spirit encourages us to open our broken, battered selves to the purifying, joyful Fire Who allows us to dream again and rebuild our lives. The joyful Creative One Who is the Heart of a continually changing and evolving Universe will not allow us to stand still but to continually evolve into stronger, more compassionate individuals.
Our Blessed Trinity, our intimate community of love, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, surrounds us, fills us, leads us, inspires us, comforts us when we are grieving. When we show God the intimate, naked face of our grief, God will walk beside us so that we are never overwhelmed, and never alone.