Domestic violence has a profound effect on economic upheaval in U.S. families. It's the direct cause of homelessness for over half of all homeless women. Thirty-eight percent of domestic violence victims will become homeless in their lifetimes.
Yet it's only fairly recently in U.S. history that domestic violence has been regarded by society as being morally and ethically wrong behavior. Prior to the mid-1800's, most legal systems accepted wife beating as a legitimate way for a husband to exercise control over his wife. It took until 1920 for wife-beating to be outlawed in all states. In the 1970's the women's movement started to draw attention to domestic violence; in the 1990's, the men's movement started to draw attention to women's violence against men in the home.
Recognition of domestic violence as a moral issue has happened relatively slowly in the Churches, concurrent with the recognition of domestic violence as a problem in society. Forty to sixty years ago, no matter what violence a wife reported as happening in her home, her clergyman would often counsel her to stay with her husband and preserve her marriage. I have talked to people who are in their fifties and sixties today who left the Catholic Church, even left God behind, because their mothers were counseled by priests to stay with their abusive husbands. These husbands were alcoholics who beat their wives and their children, and sexually abused their children.
That is not the outlook of the Churches today. In our Diocese, there are orders of women religious who have established safe houses for women, their children, and single girls seeking to escape abusive homes. Pope Francis issues a clarion call of realism and pastoral urgency on the issue of domestic violence in "The Joy of Love":
"In some cases, respect for one's own dignity and the good of the children requires not giving in to excessive demands or preventing a grave injustice, violence, or chronic ill-treatment. In such cases, separation becomes inevitable. At times it even becomes morally necessary, precisely when it is a matter of removing the more vulnerable spouse or young children from serious injury due to abuse and violence, from humiliation and exploitation, and from disregard and indifference." (#241.)
The Pope asks for the establishment of specialized counseling centers in all dioceses to provide counseling to victims of domestic violence and to abusive spouses. He says, in Christian hope, that people, with the right motivation and the right specialized help, can change. Marriages can be "rehabilitated" - in certain cases. He also asks that seminarians receive more interdisciplinary training so that as Pastors they will know how to respond and how to give practical assistance to parishioners trapped in abusive situations.
How can those who grew up in an abusive family manage to break the psychological chains that shackle them, and build healthy marriages of their own? The Pope wisely recognizes how the scars that people receive in their childhood affect their capacity to achieve a stable and healthy marriage. But - he says - even these scars can be healed:
"Many people leave childhood without ever having felt unconditional love. This affects their ability to be open and trusting with others. A poor relationship with one's parents and siblings, if left unhealed, can reemerge and hurt a marriage. Unresolved issues need to be dealt with, and a process of liberation must take place. When problems emerge in a marriage, before important decisions are made, it is important to ensure that each spouse has come to grips with his or her own history. This involves recognizing a need for healing, insistent prayer for the grace to forgive and be forgiven, a willingness to accept help, and the determination not to give up but to keep trying. A sincere self-examination will make it possible to see how one's own shortcomings and immaturity affect the relationship. Even if it seems clear that the other person is at fault, a crisis will never be overcome simply by expecting him or her to change. We also have to ask what in our own life needs to grow or heal if the conflict is to be resolved."
Unhealthy attitudes towards women can be passed from father to son so that the next generation's marriages are tainted with the same evil of abuse and violence. Women who have grown up in abusive homes can suffer lingering depression and feelings of worthlessness. Churches which verbally reaffirm healthy spiritual views about women's dignity can make a difference: surveys and statistics show that those who regularly attend churches which have healthy views of marriage and the dignity of women show a much, much lower incidence of domestic abuse or violence in their homes.
According to Pope Francis, Christianity has no place for views which espouse the subjugation of women. He addresses the fact that "even the devil can quote Scripture" and that cultural mores have affected Biblical viewpoints:
"Every form of sexual submission must be clearly rejected. This includes all improper interpretations of the passage in the Letter to the Ephesians where Paul tells women to 'be subject to your husbands.' (Ephesians 5:22). This passage mirrors the cultural categories of the time....As Saint John Paul II wisely observed: 'Love excludes every kind of subjection whereby the wife might become a servant or a slave of the husband....The community or unity which they should establish through marriage is constituted by a reciprocal donation of self....' Hence Paul goes on to say that 'husbands should love their wives as their own bodies' (Ephesians 5:28). The biblical text is actually concerned with encouraging everyone to overcome a complacent individualism and to be constantly mindful of others."
Pope Francis reinterprets this line: 'Be subject to one another' (Eph. 5:21).
"In marriage," he says " this reciprocal 'submission' takes on a special meaning, and is seen as a freely chosen mutual belonging marked by fidelity, respect, and care."
Pope Francis is saying that "be subject to one another" means that a husband and wife choose to belong to each other. They choose to listen to each other and "bend" when the other speaks the truth. They recognize each other's dignity and the dignity of their relationship. Whenever a husband abuses a wife or a wife abuses a husband, he or she is refusing to accept the God-given dignity of the other.
How I pray that those who have been turned against God and turned against the Church because of domestic abuse in their lives can and will read these beautiful words of Pope Francis. May they open their hearts and allow God to heal them. If they have been angry with God or the Church, so have I, because of my own life tragedies. But eventually I have recognized that if I reject God, to whom else can I go? I have to let go and trust God. The Church is both human and divine; human, in the poor, weak, fallible men and women who represent her; divine in the ageless truths which she carries from generation to generation and the promise of Jesus to be with his Church always and until the end of time. If we reject the Church entirely, then we not only reject all the human beings who make up her "family," - the good ones as well as the hurtful ones, - but we also reject the divine teachings and the Sacraments which Jesus has given us to give us life.
If we have grown up in a family where either or both parents were abusive, it takes a lifetime of prayer and self-examination and even counseling to find all our scars and shackles. Often it takes an honest and understanding spouse to help us discover the underlying causes of some of our unhealthy, wounded and wounding speech and behavior. But - Christ is with us, Christ the Divine Physician. If we draw him close instead of pushing him away, we stand a much better chance of breaking the chains of abuse and violence that bind our and our siblings' generation of marriages.