There's a tenderness in the look of love, so different from the "looks" we or others get in a consumerist society which values people only if they will purchase things, or, even worse, thinks that people can be purchased, possessed, or "consumed." Consumer eyes are the eyes of a man eating a hamburger while watching a stripper, a stranger who has become for him a "consumer product." The tender look of love lets you know that this person is respecting you, even dreads causing you harm or taking away your freedom.
In our families, nothing hurts us more than feeling as if we're invisible, we're not really seen, we're not important unless we can be "used." Nothing hurts more than feeling as if we're - maybe momentarily - worthless to the people we love and who love us! In moments of anger or depression, or during ongoing arguments, we feel as if we're neither understood or valued. How we long for the other's appreciative look of love! On the other hand, how often do others in our families act angry or rebellious or act up when they feel as if we're neither really seeing them nor appreciating them?
"A look of appreciation has enormous importance, and to begrudge it is usually hurtful. How many things do spouses and children sometimes do in order to be noticed! Much hurt and many problems result when we stop looking at one another. This lies behind the complaints and grievances we often hear in families: 'My husband does not look at me; he acts as if I were invisible.' 'Please look at me when I am talking to you!' 'My wife no longer looks at me, she only has eyes for our children.' 'In my own home nobody cares about me; they do not even see me; it is as if I did not exist.' Love opens our eyes and enables us to see, beyond all else, the great worth of a human being." (Pope Francis.)
I know myself that when I am deeply upset about a situation, or very preoccupied, my husband will say to me "You're not looking at me" or "You're not hearing me." When my children were young, if one needed a lot of attention, I might feel drained and preoccupied, and so, sure enough, the other children would grow angry and resentful because they felt they weren't getting enough of my attention. It's so important to become aware of ourselves and our thoughts and actions so that we can have steady, ongoing looks of love for every member of our family. This look of love, this approachability, this willingness to stop and listen, is the greatest act of kindness we can give to those we love!
The look of love sees beyond the other's physical beauty or lack of it, beyond disabilities, beyond whether someone is "useful" to us or not. Sometimes, sadly, in families, parents can turn away from their sacred responsibility to give their child this look of love. Yet, this doesn't stop God, our loving parent, from gazing upon us with the look of love that nourishes us and heals us.
Little Margaret of Castello was born into a well-to-do family near Florence, Italy, in 1287. Her parents, very conscious of their social standing, were greatly distressed, embarrassed, and ashamed when they looked at their infant: she was a dwarf, had a curved spine that left her hunched over, and was blind. They kept her existence a secret, kept her hidden away. As she grew older, the little blind girl used a cane to "feel her way;" and unfortunately she was also lame to the point that she could barely walk. Still she moved around among a small circle of family servants, and somehow got to know all their names and care for and be cared about by them.
When she was six, her parents removed her from even this small group of people and had her walled up in a room beside the chapel; the kind family chaplain was her only companion, and he taught her about God her loving Father. Seeking a miracle, her parents took her to a Franciscan shrine and, when they didn't receive one, abandoned her there. It took the little girl days to realize that her parents weren't coming back for her. God inspired families in the community to take care of her. They passed her from home to home, allowing her to sleep on the floor if they had no bed for her; even beggars on the street taught her how to take care of herself. Strangely the families that took her in realized after awhile that this little blind girl's presence - her kindness, her ability to listen to their problems, her "look of love" - was improving their own family relationships.
Eventually Margaret became a member of the Dominican Third Order of Castello - she remained "in the world" but wore their habit and was part of the community. During the remainder of her thirty-three years, she developed a deep prayer life, and visited prisoners, the sick, and the dying, encouraging other members of her community to visit them with her. Her own suffering had made her sympathetic to the trials and suffering of others.
Margaret's parents had never given her the look of appreciative love. The blind Margaret, suffering from a host of disabilities, nevertheless "looked on" others with that precious, priceless attitude of tender and appreciative love. God empowered Margaret to do this because she looked at life with the eyes of faith and saw Him as her all-loving Father. God poured His love over her, teaching her how precious she was to Him, so she could pour His love over the people in her life who became her extended family.
"Despite her suffering, Blessed Margaret remained serene, calm, cheerful, and courageous. She never became bitter, complained, criticized others or became discouraged....She did not know why God allowed her to suffer from so many afflictions, yet she did know that He was all-good, did not allow evil without a good reason, and always turned evil into good for His children. She wondered why people pitied her; was it not a privilege to suffer with Christ? Suffering for her was her way to Heaven." (Blessed Margaret of Castello website.)
Blessed Margaret continues doing good in Heaven. Many who have prayed to her asking for her prayer support as their friend in Heaven have reported cures. She has also become a patron for pro-life groups and for groups who care for the unwanted and abandoned. She was declared "Blessed" by the Catholic Church in 1609 and her incorrupt body lies under the main altar of St. Dominic Church in Castello, Italy.
Give that precious look of love to the people who come into your life today, whether they return it or not. You may be the only person today to give it to them. Yours may be the only look that mirrors the loving gaze of God their Father to them. And appreciate everyone who gives the look of love to you! The look of appreciative love is the simplest gift that we can give and receive, and yet we literally need it to live, love, and be healed.