What makes a marriage work? I will have been married fifty years this April. I met my husband Paul when I was eighteen years old, three years before we married. It's hard to remember what my life was like before I met him. I'll tell you this. I'm not the same person I would have been if we'd never met. I think I'm a better person than I would or could have been! And - we're as much a mystery to each other now as we were then. Delving deeper into that mystery day by day is our greatest adventure.
When you're young, you expect all sorts of things from marriage. You hope to marry your soulmate, the person who understands you better than anyone else in the world does. Well, yes, I believe my husband Paul understands me better than anyone else does. He knows where I bury my clutter when company's coming, and how many times a day I raid the chocolate candy bowl. He understands my tendency to blame myself for everything that happens ( did you know that I personally caused World War II?) and he confronts me with realism. We have the same values, the same understanding of life's meaning and significance. We both take time to pray. And we read most of the same books, which makes for great discussions.
But, there are times when I remind myself "It is better to understand than to be understood." I know he says that as well. Because we each have wounds, defense mechanisms, obsessions, reactions that can only be greeted and defused with understanding silence, careful and sensitive discussion. Sometimes, it's easier to be understanding about anyone BUT your spouse. To be simply kind to anyone BUT your spouse. Yet, your spouse is the one person who deserves your understanding and kindness and support when he or she is "down for the count" more than anyone else. He or she has chosen to live with you in a bond so unique that it's God's favorite way of uniting and empowering people.
And then there's "I bet I will have the greatest sex with just this person." Well, yes, Paul and I love each other as romantic partners. But not because we both have incredible sex appeal. Great sex comes from knowing and trusting someone so much that you become vulnerable to him or her; your walls come tumbling down with the first kiss. The passion between you eventually ignites more from the humble gratitude you feel over all the good times and stressful times you've lived through together than from the candles circling the bedroom or the sexy lingerie.
Sometimes great love-making happens when one is passionate and the other is not, but the other is loving and giving and willing. It can be better to love even when you may not feel like making love; you give real love a chance to blossom and bloom, and you may be very surprised at the way tenderness can lead to a deeper measure of loving than you've ever experienced before.
Then too if you're marrying for the feast of great sex, you'll have some famines, believe me: the Four Horsemen of Illness, Exhaustion, Grief, and Children Who Won't Sleep will ride into your life sooner rather than later.
Sometimes, whether or not we realize it, we say to ourselves "I will stay married to this person until." Until what? Serious arguments? Sometimes it takes a serious argument - or two or three - before you really know what is triggering discontent in yourself or your spouse and you know how to repair the damage.
Until infidelity? If there's sincere contrition, many marriages have not only survived infidelity, but the partners have grown stronger and more mature through the long process of forgiving and healing each other.
Until financial difficulties? People come to marriage with different expectations about how to use - or abuse - money. Working financial conflicts through by constant communication teaches both of you what your priorities are. And you can compromise by assuming roles. My husband saves money terrifically. I spend it terrifically by suggesting a good place and time for a vacation or a piece of furniture we could use. Or a charity to help. The main thing is, we communicate about what we want our money - OUR money - to accomplish in and for our lives.
Except for physical and/or psychological abuse, and addictive behavior - and even there, some couples have conquered these serious challenges - there's nothing a marriage can't survive with the right attitudes and plenty of prayer and help.
Couples can even survive the death of a child - and my husband and I experienced this. Our counselors give us the best marriage advice when they tell us to this day "Talk about it when you're angry. Talk about it when you're sad. What makes you angry or sad today may not be what makes you angry or sad tomorrow. Always ask the other about his or her strong emotions and what's triggering them."
You see, "until" is a dangerous word. It places limits on our capacity for growing, stretching, enduring stresses, fighting for a relationship we believe in, and learning the hard discipline of loving. Isn't it a good thing that God didn't begin loving us by saying "I'll love him or her until - ?"
About our being a mystery to each other, think about this. We all have souls, places where God chooses to dwell. Great mystics tell us that our souls are more beautiful than crystal palaces. Our souls have a beginning, but they have no end. Our souls are so monumental that they will need eternity for us and others to explore them! Every day there is something new and wonderful to learn about this person we're married to, something more to admire, to love, to leave us awestruck. Because inside our beloved is a crystal palace in which the God of the Universe makes His dwelling. How incredible, and worth a lifetime of loving, is that?!