There are so many stereotypes out there about who gets a divorce. In the July 27 issue of "America" magazie, Patty Breen tells her story:
"I used to think that only so-called mediocre Catholics got divorced, that it was for those men and women who did not try or pray hard enough while they were married. I used to think people who got divorced saw it as an easy, quick exit ramp to something they wanted out of.
"And then life happened. I became one of the people admitted to that club that nobody ever wants to join: Catholic. Divorced. Annulled. I became one of the people I used to judge.
"One of the greatest mistakes I have made as a Christian has been living for years with a judgmental heart and holier-than-thou, self-righteous attitude. I did not take the time to listen to or get to know people that were really different from me; I naturally assumed I was a better Catholic and a more moral person. I saw faith and morality in a legalistic way, as a Pharisee would. Therefore, I assumed I would never get a divorce and felt that put me ahead on the great scoreboard of the spiritual life."
After a whirlwind courtship, Patty married an ex-seminarian in a Catholic Church wedding, thinking her life would be happily-ever-after. But only seven months later, the reality of her husband's serious problems appeared - and broke her heart.
"I learned that my husband was a sex addict and a compulsive liar. I was shocked. I felt numb. Everything I had ever hoped and dreamed for from the time I was a little girl was gone in an instant. Over the next three years, we spent close to $25,000 on efforts to save our marriage: counseling, intensive therapy sessions, therapy groups and even lie detector tests. If there was a shred of hope this marriage could be restored and saved, I knew every single possible option needed to be exhausted.
"During this time I was both verbally and sexually abused. I was emotionally manipulated. For half of the marriage, we lived as brother and sister because I did not trust my husband and was afraid to be sexually intimate when I had been so violated by his actions. I could not even imagine the possibility of this man being the father of my children.
"More information was dragged out over the time we were married. My husband had first been exposed to pornography as a 10-year-old at unsupervised slumber parties. He began acting out sexually as a boy, and his habits continued and multiplied as he became an adult. He searched out highly sexual movies on Netflix or his own computer in the evenings when I was working late at church. Before I knew him, he had been to strip clubs for his birthdays with friends. Over the course of our entire marriage, the longest length of sexual sobriety he had was three to four weeks."
Patty had entered into her own personal, living hell. She was devoured by both anger and confusion. Since she was young, she had been taught that marriage lasted until death. But - why would God want her to stay in such a poisonous, abusive relationship? Why had God allowed this to happen to her anyway? Through supportive family, friends, and clergy, she gradually learned that, no, God would not want her to stay in such a relationship.
"Getting a divorce does not mean you were never married or that any children you have are illegitimate. An annulment is not the Catholic version of divorce; it is an ecclesiastical ruling stating that what was believed to be a valid, sacramental marriage actually is not. Perhaps providentially, I went through the annulment process during the Year of Mercy declared by Pope Francis. It was emotionally and spiritually exhausting but also healing in so many ways. I did not realize that I had so much more to learn about mercy, grace and true forgiveness.
"Divorce does not mean you are less a person because your marriage did not work or could not be saved. Divorce does not even mean you failed or gave up. What it does mean is that you are human. And we human beings are fallen, broken and imperfect creatures. I am broken just as my former husband is broken."
Through counseling, and also through the soul-searching that goes on during the annulment process, Patty came to know herself much better, and to see her own immaturity. She says,
"Looking back I can see more clearly the emotional issues and brokenness I did not even realize I was dragging into marriage: raging codependency, emotional insecurities, neediness, manipulation and a controlling mindset. While I was still married, I started to face my personal demons head on with a counselor. And even though my marriage is over, I continue to work hard and to be honest with myself so that I thrive and not simply survive, which I was doing when I was married."
Too often, we spend time and energy criticizing others. Being able to helpfully critique ourselves as well as others is an absolutely necessary pre-condition for healthy relationships. Yet, often we don't learn to face ourselves and our own emotional issues and brokenness until we are in the midst of suffering and struggle. In the darkness of pain, God can give us the courage to look at our own brokenness clearly - and grow. Fr. Richard Rohr explains,
"Human consciousness does not emerge at any depth except through struggling with our shadow. It is in facing our conflicts, criticisms, and contradictions that we grow. It is in the struggle with our shadow self, with failure, or with wounding that we break into higher levels of consciousness."
Many people are not familiar with the Church's annulment process, or the reasoning behind it. Many don't realize that Pope Francis has decreed that all Dioceses provide the annulment process free of charge. Here's what the Church teaches:
Catholics believe that marriage is permanent, “till death do us part.” This teaching comes from Christ, as recorded in Scripture (See Mt 5:31-32 and 19:3-9, Mk 10:2-12, Lk 16:18).Our marriage vows reflect this. We promise our spouse:
- Fidelity
- Indissolubility (permanence)
- Openness to children
That’s why we say that the sacrament of marriage is indissoluble.
And even Catholic annulment can’t dissolve a valid marriage! Annulment simply says that a true, sacramental marriage was never created in the first place — it was never valid.
What makes a valid marriage?Catholic annulment declares that a couple didn’t have some ingredient necessary for a valid marriage.
For a marriage to be valid — for it to be something “God has joined together” — a couple needs to…
- Be able to exchange consent, and do so freely and unconditionally
- Consent to fidelity, indissolubility, and openness to children
- Not have any impediments to marriage (see below)
- Follow the ritual of the sacrament properly
that one spouse or the other never intended to be permanently married or faithful, and that mental illness or substance abuse or another addiction prevented one or the other from consenting to a lifelong marriage....But besides these specific impediments, all four of the above requirements have to be met. If they are all met, then the marriage itself is valid. If not, it’s invalid.
A Catholic annulment simply declares that to be the case.
The Church's tribunal process is similar to a court proceeding. A petitioner provides written testimony to the church tribunal explaining the reasons for annulment, along with a list of people familiar with the marriage and willing to answer questions about the relationship.The ex-spouse’s cooperation isn’t required. A petitioner can appoint someone to represent him or her before the tribunal. And the church uses a representative -- referred to as “the defender of the bond” -- who takes the position that the marriage was valid.
"The tribunal focuses its investigation on the events leading up to the wedding ceremony “in an effort to determine whether what was required for a valid marriage was ever brought about,” says the conference of bishops’ website.
"A “declaration of nullity,” as an annulment is officially known in the church, does not deny that a relationship existed nor does it suddenly consider children from the marriage illegitimate, a common misconception. It simply states that the relationship was missing something that the church requires for marriage,” the website says."
Too often, our Church seems obsessed with turning out perfect, cookie cutter Catholics. Yet, no one is perfect! Patty Breen asks that the Church develop more ministries to help people with their marriages, with discerning whether they need a divorce, and in giving support when people have received divorces and are struggling often enough with being single parents.
Also, every priest, deacon, and/or pastoral associate needs to be approachable, to offer assistance, to understand the annulment process, even offer help with the paperwork. Doing the paperwork may seem like a lot of hard work. But my husband and I have seen people grow in sudden self-awareness and ownership of what really happened in a marriage as they sit and think carefully about what they have gone through and answer the questions. We have seen true healing tears!
The most important gift that Church communities can offer divorced members is a lack of judgement, gentle listening, and open arms. Jesus did not come for perfect people; he came to be a physician for the sick, to offer healing love. None of us are perfect; all of us need the Divine Physician. If we are honestly in touch with our own shadow, our own emotional wounds, our own brokenness, we will never feel "superior" to anyone else in our congregation. Each person will be our equally loved and valued sister or brother in Christ.
May every good Catholic who is divorced recognize that God loves him/her without question as His precious child, and will always be present to give that healing joy which is part of being loved.