It's hard to find God when we're living in darkness. It's hard to look for God when our hearts are no longer whole. Pain shatters our hearts and hurls us into darkness. Pain obscures God's Presence with a shroud of anger and grief.
Whether our pain is physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, it can become easy to think and/or say "God has left me. God doesn't want me any more. God has abandoned me."
Nothing could be further from the truth.
God is closest to us when we're in pain. But often we think that our pain is a sign that God has left us, and, unknowing, we are the ones to push God away.
We leave God imprisoned in our hearts - a voluntary prison because He never leaves us - but a prison none the less because our pain and anger and grief barricade every door and window that God could use to call through to us.
Jesus' greatest trial of faith came on the cross when his own physical pain and emotional anguish obscured his sense of his Father's Presence. He didn't reject his Father; he simply could not find him, could not find the comforting Presence he needed so desperately. And so, like us, he cried out "My God! My God! Why have You abandoned me?"
It was his pure, raw faith that impelled him to say further "Father, into Your hands I commend my spirit." He didn't sense God's Presence. He trusted in pure hope that His Father was there.
And Jesus' Father responded to his son's pure trust by raising Jesus from the dead. As God will respond to us by raising us from the dead.
Because, if we draw near to God, whether we sense God's Presence or not, God will draw near to us. If we look wholeheartedly for God, God will find us, even if we're hidden in a soul darkness so deep that we cannot find ourselves.
All we have to do is call out to God, whether we're curled in a fetal position in our bed at 3 AM in the morning, or kneeling by our bed, wailing, or walking under the moon like a sad shadow, or standing in the rain, tear drops mingling with rain drops.
God will come to us, according to God's perfect timing. In God's own way. We may feel a hand on our shoulder or feel an easing of our hearts and a sudden tenuous peace. We may receive unexpected money or jobs when we needed them most. A friend may appear at our door, bearing dinner. A stranger may offer words of encouragement or a prayer. Each one of us has our own story about God's Divine Providence, but it is real. It is Everyday Grace.
Those who trust God the most can walk the farthest, buoyed up by His strength. Those who search most single mindedly for God will discover that God is their hearts' Treasure. Those whose faith is a blazing candle will be able to pierce their own darkness to welcome God's blazing Light.
If we draw near to God, God will draw near to us. If we look wholeheartedly for God, God will find us. And God will respond to our faith, hope, and love, by raising us from the dead. We will rise, transformed, from the deaths of pain, grief, anger, self-pity, small-mindedness, selfishness. We will rise, transformed, day after day as we call to God with hearts which are broken yet paradoxically whole in faith and trust. We will rise, transformed, year after year, so that when we look back in memory, we will barely recognize our younger selves, yet gaze at those younger versions of us with tender understanding and acceptance.
Drawing near to God, we do not draw near to an unattainable Force Who lives distant and removed from us. We draw near to the One who is like us in every way but sin, who understands what it is to feel abandoned, who bears the marks of the nails in his hands and his feet. We draw near to the One who loves us so much He chooses to live in our grieving, pain-filled hearts - and over and gives us His peace.