We're far from being perfect people. Not a day goes by in which we don't misunderstand each other over something. But we've each grown in understanding that the other is the one whose life is connected with ours for a reason that only God perfectly knows.
Years of living together with someone takes you through different stages in a relationship. At first, everything is a honeymoon, a belief - mistaken - that this person can satisfy all your dreams, remove every ounce of loneliness, give you unparalleled happiness. The next stage sets in when you discover that this person is not perfect (any more than you are), does not always understand you, and fights with you so fiercely sometimes that you cry more than you've ever cried before. His or her love cannot take away all your loneliness. He or she has dreams that you are not a part of, ambitions that he or she needs to fulfill him or herself. Severe disillusionment and confusion can lead either of you or both of you to make mistakes, get tempted to unfaithfulness, stop communicating.
Yet the answer is not to leave this person and find someone else. Hard work, very hard work, is called for: the work of loving someone for who he or she really is, of accepting the whole package, of remembering what drew you to this bundle of contradictions in the first place. Deciding to constantly look for the good in the other, to watch for smiles and moments of tenderness, to continuously reach out in love and understanding, can work miracles.
( Unless of course, this person is abusive, or dangerously addictive, and refuses to go to counseling, refuses to change. A strong marriage cannot be built on lies, the lies that some people tell themselves to protect their sickness. People can overcome abusive and addictive behavior with prayer and the right supports and counseling. If this is your marriage, reach out and get the help and information you need.)
When love and communication and support reach beyond the skin-deep into the soul, physical changes in the other do not bother us. It is truly tragic when individuals (especially women) think that they have to be the perfect weight, spend hundreds of dollars on botox and skin creams to look beautiful, and dress as if they were twenty years younger, in order to "hold on" to their spouse and keep his/her interest.
A soul-deep marriage thrives on soul-deep interests, on being in an equal partnership with a capacity for love that goes way beyond self-absorption or even family concerns, but reaches out to the community beyond. A soul-deep marriage draws its energy and joy from prayer, from God holding each person's hand and being the Source of all that enthusiasm that keeps their relationship fresh and new and re-blooming every day.
Tragedies will come. Ill health will stalk you. Depression and grief will have you sobbing in each other's arms. But your marriage is even more extraordinary when it's under tremendous stress and still continues to deepen and strengthen like fire-tried gold. You may not speak to each other for hours at a time because you're depressed. But your souls are still united and communicating. You just can't hear the conversation. But God does.
Extraordinary marriage can only happen when you don't expect the other to be the source of all your affirmation, consolation, understanding, love, and support, or to take away all your loneliness. Only God can do and be that for you. As St. Augustine said "Our hearts are restless, oh God, until we rest in Thee." Being first radically loved, affirmed, and empowered by God prepares you to love, affirm, and support others, especially your spouse and family. Believing together that the other has a soul of eternal worth prepares you to treat the other with the immense respect that he or she deserves as a son or daughter of God.
Extraordinary marriage comes from developing extraordinary intimacy with God. If you both have extraordinary intimacy with God, you will have extraordinary intimacy with each other, a gift of the Holy Spirit which lasts into eternity. Whatever intimacy, friendship, love, tenderness, and understanding the two of you have forged between you on earth will last far beyond death. Your relationship is a gift for eternity, where you will shine like the stars for all to see: a lasting miracle of love.