And everything else blows up.
You hit someone or insult him/her irrevocably.
Or you scream at your spouse that the marriage is over, and walk out.
Or you commit adultery.
Or you're driving and your car hits someone who is suddenly in front of you and the person dies.
Or you attempt suicide.
Or you blow what seems to be the chance of a lifetime.
Parent, husband, wife, sibling, friend, child, boss, stranger....Someone else has borne the brunt of your anger, your grief, your self-pity, your exhaustion. Someone else has been devastated by your action.
The result? You go crazy for awhile. Drop down a rabbit hole so nobody can find you. Feel more suicidal. You're hating yourself. Because deep down, you've always figured that this is the person you really are: someone who could and would do this terrible thing. You've only lived down to your worst fears about yourself.
But - this person who did this terrible thing - this is not who you ARE - this is what you DID during this one terrible, stressful time. You're hating yourself for what you aren't - you aren't an evil person. You can't judge and condemn yourself for one horrible mistake or sin. If you do that, you'll drown in self-hate and self-pity. You'll figure that you're unforgivable. That no one wants you back in his/her life. That no one can ever get over the terrible thing you've done to them. That EVEN GOD could never forgive you.
But God is the first Person Who'll forgive you, if you tell things to Him straight. And people and relationships can heal. It may take years and a torrent of tears, and hard work, but people can heal. Because God is the Healer. Once you allow God into the situation, once you honestly confront what you've done, once you apologize and do the best you can to make amends, once you forgive yourself, - life, which has come to a grinding halt, can start moving forward again.
I've seen forgiveness and healing happen so many times in my life, in so many relationships, so many ways. People are able to rebuild a relationship or a marriage. The man who killed someone with a car is able to put his life back together again. The man or woman who is an addict is able to kick the habit. The spouse in an illicit relationship with someone else comes back to his/her spouse and is accepted back. The child who has abandoned a parent can return to find forgiveness.
If people think that miracles don't happen anymore, they are missing the evidence right in front of them, because these are the almost unbelievable miracles of grace that are happening day in and day out because our God loves us and never leaves us. Our God looks for the one spark in us of healthy grief and healthy guilt and healthy self-love, and His Spirit blows that spark into a Flame of Living Energetic Love that can change everyone and everything.
Stop hating yourself for what you aren't, because you aren't a totally evil person. You are a person who has temporarily derailed his/her life - but with God's help, you can get your life back on track. There will be repercussions from what you've done. Undoubtedly you've badly hurt some innocent people. Get down on your knees if you have to. Tell them, from your heart, that you're sorry. If they forgive you, - wonderful. If they don't, at least forgive yourself and give them time. Hopefully they'll heal and trust you again. If they don't or can't or won't, you carry a heavy burden. But so do they. God will lead you - and them - in other directions to build a new life.
Start loving yourself for who you are. You are a beloved child of God, Who wants to live in an eternal relationship with you. The terrible thing that happened had a cause: you'd allowed yourself to drift away from your true Father in Heaven. You'd stopped turning to Him to receive His strength. Learn - or re-learn - that the most Powerful Source of Love wants to fill you with His peace, love, and joy, to lead you on straight paths, to protect you from the negative thoughts and attitudes and emotions that seek to suck you down into depression, anger, self-indulgence, and self-pity.
This God says to you over and over: "I love you. I want to make something new of your life. I want to re-create you so that you continue to become more and more of who you really are. See yourself through My loving eyes that never, ever condemn you but always see your eternal beauty and worth."
Always, always love yourself for who you are, a child of God, a bearer of God because God lives within you to forgive you and to be your everlasting Light in the darkness. Forgive yourself, forgive others, make amends, and go forward without fear, hand in hand with God, to build a new life!