On the day of Charlie's funeral, news cameras recorded the group of young Amish men and women, parents and families of the victims, moving quietly into the cemetery and forming a protective crescent around the Roberts family to shield them from the news media and crowd of onlookers as they buried their son and brother. These young parents, their own eyes filled with their own tears of grief, nevertheless spoke to Terri and her husband, offering their condolences for their grief, and forgiveness for Charlie.
Terri, stunned by their compassion, suddenly saw with clarity that forgiveness isn't an emotion; forgiveness is a choice. Since God forgives us for all our sins, in fact died for our sins in Jesus, how can we not offer the forgiveness we've received to others? Terri received the grace to forgive her son for his cruel murder of innocent children. She didn't have to stop feeling anger, hurt, and bewilderment over his inexplicable, horrific choices, - she only had to choose to forgive and love, over and over again.
A new tsunami of wonder, awe, and a desire to reach out was sweeping across the world that watched and read the news stories. Our God of loving mercy was beginning to heal and rebuild an entire hurting community with the community of the world as His loving instruments. Terri recounts in her book "Forgiven" (Bethany Press)
"...When cards and letters began to pour in from across the country, I cringed. What could these strangers have to say to Chuck and me, the parents of a mass murderer? With the stories that had played out on the news, what outpourings of recrimination and hatred lay inside the sealed flaps of these envelopes?
"When I finally mustered the courage to skim through the mound of mail, I was stunned by its contents. Far from angry outpourings, the letters were filled with compassion and love. Some expressed sorrow for our loss. Others shared of going through similar pain with a prodigal child. They spoke of hearts touched by the theme of forgiveness this story had made public. All emphasized prayer for us. Prayers for Charlie's widow Marie and the children. Prayers for the Amish families grieving their lost daughters.
"We also received a number of prayer shawls from individuals and churches....so many, in fact, that we passed some on as gifts to bless others. Knowing that the women who'd crocheted or knitted these shawls had prayed for us as they worked was warmth to my soul....Raw emotions still ebbed and flowed like waves crashing over me....but as I read those letters and cards, as I wrapped a prayer shawl around me, I felt the keen awareness of prayer rising around the world to blanket this small piece of Lancaster County with grace and love and forgiveness like the gentle touch of a down-filled Amish quilt."
Tragedy and shared grief knit the bonds between Amish and "English" (what the Amish call all who are not Amish) even closer; acquaintances became friends. When Chuck was asked to drive some Amish to the home of a family who'd lost two daughters during "the Happening," which is what the Amish called the mass murder, Terri was invited to come along - and then both were invited into the home for the visit. It was the first time they had sat and visited with a large group of Amish; Terri felt more than a little nervous.
Inside the home were at least fifteen family members and other visitors, including one of the first responders. The Amish, although obviously grief-stricken, warmly welcomed them, asked how they were doing, even invited them to come again. Terri was beginning to realize that reaching out and including Terri and Chuck in their lives was also an element of healing for the Amish. Later a group of them came to her home for a visit. At the end of the visit, she learned something new about their culture. She asked if they could pray together, and when they nodded, she began praying out loud. They were gracious, but later gently informed her that while the Amish recite prayers out loud during their liturgies, their personal prayer is done silently.
Slowly, during these interactions, Terri was discovering that these folk who all dressed alike in black and blue and white were really very lovable individuals. The community moved into even greater unity when a local grief counselor organized a meeting of the Roberts family and their pastor, the Amish families of the victims, first responders and grief counselors at the Fire Hall, a community center. The hall was filled to overflowing. After an opening prayer, one by one people began to speak. Now Terri heard the interior of the Amish people's hearts. Terri says
"Parents and grandparents poured out their pain. They spoke of not understanding God's ways. But they also spoke of surrender to God's will and forgiveness. They expressed gratitude for all that was being done to provide for the medical and financial needs of the victims. If we as outsiders had been stunned by the Amish display of forgiveness, the Amish themselves seemed just as amazed at the outpouring of love, prayers, and support from 'Englishers' all across the continent and even around the world. One unexpected outcome of this tragedy was a new unity and understanding on both sides of two very opposite cultures.
"' Today we are all Amish,' one Amish spokesman summed up aptly in the aftermath of this tragedy.'"
Terri herself stood up and spoke of how Philippians 4:8, in which we are all counseled to give thanks for everything, was giving her the strength to move forward, how God's peace guarded her heart, and how she was learning to focus on good things, not on evil. The Amish around her nodded at her words in support. During the meeting and after, as people continued to gather and visit in informal groups, everyone poured out their pain and tears, and received comfort, compassion, and healing from the others' understanding. At the end of the meeting there was a distribution of groceries and cards and gifts that had been collected for the Amish and for Marie and her children. One gift was especially moving for Terri and Marie: a wooden doll bed that an Amish family had handcrafted for Marie's little daughter.
Terri thought and prayed about how she could give back to this uniquely loving Amish community. Three months after the tragedy, she decided to visit each of the Amish families in the Nickel Mines schoolhouse (the murder site had been torn down and a new school would be built) so she could reach out personally to each of the families her son had hurt. On each visit, she took along a book written by a grief counselor specifically for Amish families, as well as a family game to function as an icebreaker. The visits were such an overwhelming success as families shared their hospitality and also spoke openly of their individual griefs, pain, and bewilderment. They forged a bond between "English' and Amish that Terri would never have thought possible given their vastly different cultures.
She followed up on these visits by inviting all the Amish families to her home for a Summer picnic and swimming party in her backyard. Everyone got along famously, and enjoyed the food, but to her secret dismay, only the boys frolicked in the swimming pool while the girls enjoyed playing croquet. She had not realized that the sexes swim separately. So later in the Summer, she had a women and girls only tea party, at which the girls enjoyed the pool. These annual parties continued for years.
God heals us in our grief so that we can give the same comfort to others that we have received from Him. As Terri received more and more invitations to share her story across the country, Amish friends traveled with her. They would not speak out directly, but were available in the audience to speak one on one with people afterwards. Amish friends even called Terri to speak with Amish extended family members from an Ohio community who were in town. Their family in Ohio had suffered the tragedy of one of their patriarchs murdering his wife and children, and then taking his own life. Could Terri please share her own story and the way she had come to forgiveness and moved forward with her life? Later more family members came to town and she hosted a meeting at her house. Terri reflects
"How improbable the outside world would find the day's events: the Amish calling the mother of the Nickel Mines schoolhouse gunman to bring healing to other Amish in pain. This could only be described as a miracle of divine grace, love, and forgiveness."
Perhaps the biggest, most challenging healing change that came to the Roberts family was Marie's marriage to Dan, a distant family member whom she'd known as a child. It was hard for Terri and Chuck to see Marie with another man, not Charlie; it was hard for them to hear a grand-child call someone else "Daddy." But they overcame their heartache by reaching forth to Dan as a new gift in the family's life, a new love for Marie, a welcome father for their grand-children - someone to be thankful for.
I believe our biggest "problem" with God is that we constantly underestimate His power to heal us, change us, "grow" us, both as individuals and communities. Yet God promises us, over and over "Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; See! I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? In the desert I make a way, in the wasteland, rivers." (Isaiah 44:18-19.)
In all the deserts, wastelands, and storms of our lives, we come close to perishing and forget that God always promises us a way out and a way through and a way up and over whatever formidable adversary faces us. We want to die of the desert's heat, drown in the river, be laid low by the storm - we want to STAY THERE! We don't want to move forward with our lives. But as Terri and Chuck Roberts and the Amish of Lancaster, Pennsylvania teach us, God can move us into new places in our lives, new love, new unity, new healing, new forgiveness whenever we trust Him and surrender to His loving mercy.