But there's another kind of toughness that impedes our ability to be mature. This brand of toughness advertises putting aside our gentleness, compassion, and understanding because they're signs of weakness. This brand of toughness praises the individual who needs no one, who stands unbroken by life, who believes nothing is as important as winning, even if it takes intimidation and/or bullying to come out "on top."
The opposite of unhealthy toughness is loving wholeheartedness and vulnerability: the ability to take risks, to understand others, to show our hearts to others, and to share our human brokenness. Vulnerability is especially important in parenting. We help our children achieve a sense of belonging to our family, and belonging in this world, by letting them know, all the time, that they don't have to be "perfect" in order for us to love them - because we aren't perfect. We love them for themselves - because that's how God loves us. Once any of us feels a deep sense of acceptance, of belonging, we have the courage to accept ourselves and be ourselves. The more deeply we accept ourselves, the more courage we have to be our authentic selves, the more deeply we feel that we belong. It's a beautiful circle of love: belonging, vulnerability, authenticity, and acceptance. Dr. Brene Brown says,
"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
"Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
"Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.”
“You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
Tina Feigal, MS, Ed., shares some wisdom on parenting that she learned from Dr. Brene Brown:
"Dr. Brown says that “wholehearted people” live from a deep sense of worthiness and have a 'sense of courage' in common. This courage is made up of telling who you are with your whole heart, the courage to be imperfect, compassion for self and others, connection as a result of authenticity, and fully embracing vulnerability. These courageous wholehearteds believe that what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful. They say it’s necessary to do something where there are no guarantees, i.e. willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. In the words of my dear friend Artem Kuznetsov, this describes 'beautiful uncertainty.'
"To me there’s nothing more beautiful nor more uncertain than raising a child. Without guarantees of any kind, we rush headlong into the most compelling, uncertain, vulnerable experience of love, usually without a map or compass. And then the children we love so intensely defy us. They develop their own will, they want what they want, and we feel utterly broad-sided after pouring so much of our hearts into their being. Where’s the gratitude? Can’t they tell how much we’ve cared?
"Frankly, they can’t. Because they’re children. And it’s completely understandable that parents start to want control, in order to protect themselves from the strong will of their child and the rejection of having your beloved, cherished offspring turn on you.
"It’s normal. Almost every parent experiences it, especially those with strong-willed children. So where’s the redemption here? In vulnerability? Well, yes.
"Children who attempt to run the show are often bright. They may be intellectually bright, interpersonally gifted, intrapersonally astute, highly creative and sensitive, or all of the above. And some average-ability children also attempt to run the show, depending on their own experiences as babies and toddlers. Whatever the reason, we feel the last thing we should do is become vulnerable with them. But really, it’s important to do this.
"How does it look to be vulnerable to your child? It means stepping off the 'perfect, all-knowing adult' platform and getting down to your heart with your child. When you do this, he starts to realize that you’re human, too, and a switch flips. He has less to resist when you become less rigid. Now the grace and light-heartedness for which most parents yearn can begin seeping into your relationship....
"What do the words look like? Instead of saying, “I’m your dad and I mean business” when a child is acting out (usually because of a fear), it’s more heart-centered to say, “I know. I had that fear when I was your age, too. Want me to tell you how I got past it? I used to pretend that the monsters under my bed had five eyes, so many that they couldn’t focus well enough to see me.” Here, the father has become a child again, this time for the purpose of connecting with his child. He’s remembering his child-like self, allowing a little vulnerability, and adding a dash of humor to bring intimacy to the conversation.
Dr. Brown’s mission to “control and predict” led her to the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability.
"'Letting go of the need to control and predict your child and building emotional intimacy is the hallmark of a strong relationship. You get there by being vulnerable, and you can’t get there without it.'" (from Tina Feigal's "Being Vulnerable As A Parent," Center for the Challenging Child, copyright 2016)
Sharing our so-called weaknesses, or foibles, with our children and teenagers is not humiliating - it's liberating. Recently I talked with a grandchild about my dealing with social anxiety from a young age. I shared how I remembered walking back and forth out of fearful anxiety when I talked with strangers on the phone. "I do that!" he said - and we connected. "I did that talking on the phone, even though it made me anxious, because I didn't want fear to overcome me," I said. "I still deal with social anxiety and fear now - and I'm seventy-four!" I added, smiling, and he laughed.
If we're honest with ourselves and others, we're sharing our common humanity, and a fear of intimate relationships begins to lose its hold on us. Daily we work to overcome our fear of being authentic, or transparent, our fear of what others will think of us if we take off our masks. And so we give our children the permission to be courageous, authentic, broken, and vulnerable too - and as a result, they become understanding and compassionate people. Unhealthy toughness demands that we win at relationships, always come out on top, especially in arguments with our children. Sure, when our children rebel, we can initially say, "You do this because I'm your parent and I say so." But that statement alone is not enough. Vulnerability and wholeheartedness urge us to explain the "why" of our demand to our children in terms they can understand, to share our hearts and experiences, to build a relationship with our children that admits to differences in personalities and differences in opinions.
A wholehearted and vulnerable parent is -
STRONG ENOUGH to unequivocally teach right and wrong, teach ideals and model them, and
VULNERABLE ENOUGH to say, "But I've messed up too and it takes time to learn these virtues."
STRONG ENOUGH to say "You can do this - keep working at it," and
VULNERABLE ENOUGH to say, "You look upset - is there a problem?"
STRONG ENOUGH to say, "What you did was wrong," and
VULNERABLE ENOUGH to say "I love you and I forgive you."
STRONG ENOUGH TO SAY "What I did was wrong," and
VULNERABLE ENOUGH to say, "Can you forgive me?"
STRONG ENOUGH to say, "These are our standards, you disobeyed them, therefore this is the result. You are accountable for your actions, so this is what happens," and
VULNERABLE ENOUGH to say, "I love you, this is why I'm doing this, even if you're angry at me."
STRONG ENOUGH to have the courage of their convictions which they share with their children, and
VULNERABLE ENOUGH to admit that they, as parenting adults, have to live by these convictions too.
Dr. Brown just posted an example of wholehearted parenting on Twitter:
"My daughter turned 19 this week and I was reminded of this basket we put out at her 13th birthday party (notice the blackberry). A few kids were mad about surrendering their phones but then asked their parents to do the same at their parties. Hang up and hang out."
Pray and work to be a wholehearted parent, one with the courage to be wholehearted in loving your child totally. Give your child a sense of belonging through accepting who he is. Lovingly share your vulnerabilities so your child knows it's okay to not be perfect, and that we can accept ourselves and others even if we and they are not perfect. Lovingly share your hope and belief that daily, yearly, we can grow into more courageous, authentic people. Once your child feels a sense of security through belonging, he'll have the strength to be his/her authentic self, and keep on growing.
Share your own times of brokenness, of confusion and doubt with your child. This vulnerability builds an intimate relationship between parent and child, gives her the courage and hope to know that perfection lies in understanding and compassion more than in never making mistakes or always doing the right thing. We help to build a new world when we love our children into becoming understanding, compassionate, authentic adults capable of accepting the stranger, the person with disabilities, the Other, the broken one. Because our children know that they're not "Perfect" but broken - like us - and that's okay for everyone.
We know that God is the Perfect Parent - God considers us worthy of being loved. God tells us that we belong to God and belong to this universe. God is compassionate, wise, loving, forgiving, wanting us to belong as part of God's family. When we rest deeply in that loving sense of belonging God gives us, we can give that same wonderful sense of belonging to our children, so that they can have the courage to be their own wonderful, authentic, vulnerable, compassionate selves.