I'll never forget May 10, 1970, and writhing on the back seat of our car as Paul drove me to the hospital for the delivery of child number three (our daughter Cathy.) During the whole drive, going as fast as he safely could, he was frantically begging me not to have the baby on the back seat because how the Blankety Blank could he clean the upholstery? (Pre- Delta Sonic days.)
As I moaned, I mentally sent him to Blankety Blank for thinking about his Blankety Blank upholstery while I was having Blankety Blank contractions, but I simultaneously felt incredibly safe and grateful because my beloved husband was driving me and he was going to stay with me and we were having this precious child together. Soon enough we were cuddling our beautiful new-born together, tensions and mixed feelings forgotten.
So, the first Buzz words for happy marriages are "Ambivalent (mixed) feelings are allowed. You get over them."
We also publicly and religiously promised to stay with each other in sickness and in health. I so vividly remember the pain and terror I felt when my husband was diagnosed over fifteen years ago with diabetes. That's a life threatening and life changing disease - for both of us.
We've endured many diabetes-mandated changes together: my menus have to be carefully arranged according to amounts of carbs. We have to watch our meal schedule so he eats at the proper times. He has to test his blood sugars before every meal. And every day, Paul exercises. We plan each day's schedule around his meal times, testing, and exercise schedules. There's extra medical stuff to pack in our luggage when we drive somewhere and to pack in special see-through bags in our carry-ons when we fly.
To promise "in sickness and in health" means realizing that sickness will surprise you both when you least expect it. Then you'll have to work at being a team, be willing to change for the good of the other.
I have to continually adjust to his daily adjustments to our life, but oh, the comfort it gives me to see his tremendous self-discipline as he does his testings, his crunches, lifts weights, and runs around the house. He's fighting daily to stay healthy. I'm so proud of him because he also teaches other diabetics how to diet and exercise properly. Paul lives as a constant consciousness-raiser for others.
Circumstances in marriage, including health, continually change.
So the second Buzz words for happy marriages are "Change is inevitable."
According to today's Social Security Life Expectancy calculator, which calculates only according to one's age today, I, at 70, could possibly live to 87.5 and Paul, at almost 78, could live to 87.9. What this means is that we have fewer years together ahead of us than the number we've already had.
When you're young, and you publicly and religiously promise "till Death do us part," life seems limitless, the years you'll have together seem limitless. It's so easy to wrangle and go off in a huff and take quick offense because there's always tomorrow.
Now we know that there's not always going to be a tomorrow. We can still get on each others' nerves, but we apologize to each other quickly for misunderstandings and irritability. Time is precious. Time is fleeting. We've been given a marriage that's a blessing for both of us. We are humbled by the God-given Gift of our relationship. And we acknowledge that being open to God and His Grace has given us our staying power. And God Who is Love has filled us with tender, forgiving, understanding, and accepting Love.
So here are the last buzz words: "Grow in Humility and Wonder at the gift of marriage. And, over all things, put on Love."
No one knows my insecurities better than Paul. No one gives me better pep talks. No one skewers my anxieties better. No one puts up with my mechanical ineptitude and my not looking down and tripping over his feet ("I can't kneel without my feet sticking out, dear") more continuously. No one gets more anxious when I cry.
No matter which one of us leaves the other first, the one remaining here will have memories of a relationship which gifted him or her with peace and an inner trust in survival. We know we can handle Ambivalent feelings and survive. We can go through the most horrendous Change and survive. We can face life Humbly, believing in its Wonder, and surrendering to its Love. These are life lessons and gifts that Death will never erase and that will lead us both to God's promised Gift of eternity spent together.
"If there is any encouragement in Christ, any solace in love, any participation in the Spirit, any compassion and mercy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, with the same love, united in heart, thinking one thing. Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves, each looking out not for his own interests, but also everyone for those of others." (Philippians 2: 1-4.)