Some males of my acquaintance, struggling with how to be a Real Man, feel crippling anxiety if they offer to open a door for any woman who is not ninety-four, suffering from dementia, and using a wheelchair. Some have already received a crisp "I can do it myself" when they've offered an open door to anyone younger or healthier.
What are the rules for male-female courtesy today, anyway? Where are the perfect role models for men and women today? There were very rigid rules and roles when I was growing up.
When I was growing up, women were housewives. If they went to work they could be a teacher, secretary, or nurse. They needed a man to take care of them. Today Real Women can enter almost any profession and know how to take care of themselves. But - sometimes the media images women and men receive seem more than a little out of whack.
According to some media, every woman should be Wonder Woman and every man should be James Bond (when he isn't Playboy of the Western World, or has mother issues,) and the two of them must hunt and struggle to find common ground that they're not both trying to defend and conquer.
According to other media, every woman should emulate Donald Trump, and every man should be Batman's Robin, the Perfect Assistant, who knows how to find the best meats at the market, and can change a poopy diaper with one hand while he cooks dinner with the other. In the morning, while she is on a three-way conference call with Russia and China, he calls the Doctor, Pediatrician, Plumber, and Dentist and makes all appointments for the family for the next month.
And then, there are women who choose to be stay-at-home Moms and are reviled for being lazy. They've made a choice for an honorable profession in every way. As have Dads who choose to stay at home.
These very issues can affect every marriage today. If we don't look our mate squarely in the eye and accept all the strengths, failures, and peculiarities that make him or her unique, it is so easy to be tempted to begin the most deadly of games, the Blame Game. Why aren't you like so and so? Why can't you do thus and so?
My husband and I have both grown in skills we did not have when we were married. After watching countless cooking shows, he'll occasionally cook. He makes his own version of an Egg McMuffin that's to die for. And I will not do the Budget - he's developed more lines for it than a 100 year old has wrinkles - but now I will balance the checkbook.
We both have our own areas of expertise and we both cherish them. Well, he doesn't exactly CHERISH doing the Budget, but he would NOT like how I would do it, so he keeps the job out of self-preservation. And the opportunity to develop more lines. I cherish doing the wash and folding it - to me it's a peaceful job. Introvert that I am, I enjoy the cave of the cellar where the washer and dryer are and the isolated outpost of our bedroom, where I fold.
And we have stopped blaming the other one for skills he or she just doesn't have. He has stopped blaming me for not understanding what exactly goes in each line of the Budget, and I have forgiven him for not making any of his appointments - he doesn't like living past today, not even in the Appointment Imagination. In quiet, loving exchange for making his appointments, he changes batteries and lightbulbs, jobs I can do but hate to take the time to do.
The truth is that every woman is a Real Woman and every man is a Real Man in his or her own, unique way. In this era of shifting roles and expectations, the most Real Way for each couple to assign chores and responsibilities is according to Who Has the Time and Who Does It Best.
There are no skills that are specific to males or females. Sometimes it takes courage or honesty to admit that you're not good at something or that you ARE good at something. God expects us and encourages us to be and live as the person we truly are. The Real Man and Real Woman who excels at this and is really putrid at that. Or - who is currently putrid at that but is willing to improve, for the marriage's sake.
And, the Big Reality Test: if you need help, Ask for It. You're not Wonder Woman or James Bond. And your spouse can't telepathically read your mind about everything that needs doing.
And, If you're asked to help, Don't Whine, Just Do.
Seriously, it's also important to remember that since men are biologically larger and mostly stronger, it's not unbecoming to allow, even encourage, them to occasionally be tender to their wives or girl friends by opening doors, carrying groceries, hefting a heavy wash basket, etc. The male role model of Knight in Shining Armor can still be very appropriate, and romantic, and can teach a man how to be kind and sensitive.
Of course, the Lady in Shining Armor should hold the door for the guy coming in.
So - admit your differences and make them work for you, as the Real Man and Woman you are. But, in all your differences, work to preserve your unity in Christ: "In Him you were enriched in every way...so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gift....I urge you...in the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree in what you say, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same purpose." (1 Corinthians 1: 4 ff.)