"It was a beautiful ordination ceremony. I was young and excited; my hair was long (I had hair!), and I wore colorful vestments covered with flowers I’d probably be embarrassed to wear now.
"This was during the great years after Vatican II—the inspired spiritual renewal that had put the Gospel back at the center of our lives, just as St. Francis tried to do.
"After the ceremony people were waiting in line to congratulate me, and I was feeling very important and holy. A woman held up the receiving line to tell me a story. I was irritated; as many others were in line. She told me about the history of my parish church, and how it was built on the very spot where the Pentecostal movement began. “You’re going to be used by the Holy Spirit,” she said. I tried to hurry her along, but nevertheless she persisted. And by she, I mean both this particular woman and the Holy Spirit—who has never given up on me.
"Five decades later I am humbled to think about how it has all played out. I’ve written more books than I care to admit, prayed alongside amazing leaders and spoken in front of countless wonderful people. Through it all the Spirit has persisted in her work despite my many personal limitations and times I passionately believed my own message while also denying it in practice.
"God always uses unworthy instruments so we can never think that it is we who are accomplishing the work. The older I get, the more I think, “God, you were so patient with me! I didn’t do it right and you still did it right, you still used me.” (June 23's message from Fr. Richard Rohr from his Center for Contemplation and Action.)
When I look back on my own years of ministry, as a Director of Religious Education, a Pastoral Associate, a Co-Pastoral Administrator, a Co-Playwright, but even more importantly, as a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a friend, I feel conflicted.
I remember those times in my life when, like Fr. Richard, I have felt very important and holy, as if the Holy Spirit was flowing through me unimpeded. I was truly loving the people in my life, and my ministries were leading to new flowerings of grace in my parish community.
But also I remember those times in my life that I realized, with devastating clarity, that "pride goes before a fall," and that, while I was preaching God's message, my own sinfulness was causing me to deny God's message by the way I was living. I was preaching about "God's community" but I was allowing myself to be irritated with people, to be stubborn, to want my own way when others saw more clearly what needed to happen. I was lacking the courage needed to reach out to people who needed my - and God's - help. I was neglecting my own family because parish ministry had me on a "spiritual high."
Often, on life's journey, we forget three things:
First, as Fr. Rohr says, we are here on earth for one reason: to be used by God's Holy Spirit. We are instruments, pure and simple. Knowing and accepting and rejoicing in this is what brings peace to our souls: "LORD, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us." (Isaiah 26:12)
Second, we are sinful, unworthy instruments. But, once we admit that, we don't have to use up spiritual energy being perfectionistic and prideful. We can humbly admit with Fr. Rohr: "God always uses unworthy instruments so we can never think that it is we who are accomplishing the work. The older I get, the more I think, 'God, you were so patient with me! I didn’t do it right and you still did it right, you still used me.'"
Third, we are instruments because Jesus the Christ is the Vine and we are the branches: God really needs us to accomplish God's Will in this world, and God equips us for the work we are to do by calling us to abide in Him as He abides in us. In the "Pope's Daily Message for June 23," Pope Francis says:
"It’s true that Christian life is to obey the Commandments (Cf. Exodus 20:1-11); this must be done. Christian life is to follow the way of the Beatitudes (Cf. Matthew 5:1-13); this must be done. Christian life is to carry out works of mercy, as the Lord teaches us in the Gospel (Cf. Matthew 25:35-36), and this must be done. But, it’s more: it is this mutual abiding. Without Jesus, we can do nothing, as the branches without the vine. And He — may the Lord permit me to say it — seems unable to do anything without us, because the branch bears the fruit, not the tree, not the vine. In this community, in this intimacy of “fruitful abiding,” the Father and Jesus abide in me and I abide in Them.”
When we abide in God as God abides in us, God inspires us to bring balance into our lives, balance between being present to our family and reaching out to the wider community beyond our family. In our family life, and in the various communities beyond our families we are, in person, a New Song in this world.
When we know that we are one with God, Jesus the Morning Star shines in our hearts so that we can see and hear with clarity the new song that God asks us to play and sing as His instruments. We can sing out our own, precious song, knowing that, though we are not perfect, we make mistakes, we even sin, we even pridefully try to sing someone else's song, in the end God will use us and use others to accomplish the plans of His Heart, which last from age to age. We don't ever sing and play our new song completely right. But if we are faithful enough instruments, God allows others to hear the song they need to hear to be loved, encouraged, challenged, and healed.
So we need to stop hating ourselves for what we are not, and start loving ourselves for what we are: God's instruments playing entirely new songs of love, songs the world has never heard before and never will hear again, songs which are never perfect, but always enough, songs whose melodies and words will love, encourage, challenge, and heal the important people in our lives. Why? Because God plays and sings our unique song through us, with us, in us. God cannot play and sing it without us; we cannot play and sing it without God, for we are through prayer united into one: Jesus the Christ is the Vine and we are the branches.
Do not be too afraid to be used by the Holy Spirit. Do not be too self-conscious. Bravely step out from the crowd, allow the Holy Spirit to tune the instrument of your own heart, and then play and sing your new song loudly with all your skill. In a world of divisiveness, of cynicism, of shallowness, of selfishness, your melody and words will shine, lit by Jesus, the Morning Star in your heart. Your melody and words will be infused with the love, forgiveness, and healing of the Father. You will humbly be an imperfect instrument who paradoxically is out of tune and still, in tune with the Holy Spirit, is exactly right, the New Song needed to be heard, with grateful hearts and tears, by this time and place.
When we abide in God and God abides in us, when we sing our own new song, knowing that God has composed it with us and sings and plays it with us and through us, we discover the deep, abiding peace that has eluded us, passed us by. "O Lord, you establish peace for us. Everything we have done, you have accomplished for us."