I drive my husband crazy.
"Stop living in the future," he growls.
But I can't stop the way I think. Make that "worry."
This week, our family lay in the path of two "hurricanes". Heavy Buffalo rains caused six inches of water to pour into my sister Linda's basement. The house actually is owned by a Special Needs Trust; my other sister Donna and I are co-trustees and responsible for it.
Meanwhile Linda had had two abnormal EKGs and yesterday she was having a chemical stress test to see if her cardiologist could or would clear her for a full knee replacement surgery already scheduled for today. To complicate things, yesterday our one car was due at Northtown KIA for a re-haul. So Paul, my sister Donna, and I pooled our resources to precision out how to cover all situations for yesterday.
My mind was obsessing about possible scenarios yesterday morning, picturing everything from an angiogram to a stent procedure to open heart surgery for Linda; picturing a five thousand dollar rotorooting job for the cellar water.
I kept saying "I trust You, Lord!" yet my nerves pulled tighter and tighter till I thought that they and I would snap.
I finally paused in the silence of my bedroom and realized I still was holding out on God. I still hadn't surrendered everything to Him, and I would have no inner peace until I did. So I slowly prayed my favorite Prayer of Surrender and Trust: St. Ignatius' "Suscipe." (There are many different translations.)
" Take, Lord, receive all my liberty,
My memory, understanding, my entire will.
All that I have and possess You have given me.
Therefore I return it all to Thee,
to be disposed of according to Thy Will.
Give me only Thy Love and Thy grace.
With these I will be rich enough and desire nothing more."
I knew that my thoughts about these situations were as repetitious as the activity of a hamster in a cage running on his wheel. I had no way to deal with so much uncertainty because I couldn't understand - I didn't have all the facts, I couldn't guess the best outcomes. I was face to face with my limited human intelligence and understanding. So I surrendered that human intelligence, memory, and understanding to my All-Knowing, Merciful God along with my proud will. And I surrendered my sister Linda and her house to God as well. After all, they truly belong to God and are on loan to me.
I prayed for faith, trust, wisdom, and love to guide Paul, Donna, Linda, myself, and everyone involved in these situations. These are the riches of God's grace, the only riches we really ever need. And finally, with God in control instead of me, I felt His ineffable peace relax and fill my heart with rest.
Paul handled the work needed for the car at North Town KIA.
Donna, in charge at the home front, was there when Buffalo Sanitation sent men out to investigate the flooded cellar. They discovered an uncovered lawn drain filled up with mud. Donna found a company that sent a man over to clear out the mud and check the pipes for breaks. Praise God - no breaks in the pipes and the water quickly drained out of the cellar. All done for a few hundred dollars.
I stayed at the cardiologist's with Linda, who joked her way through her procedure. Donna was able to join our meeting afterward with the cardiologist.
"No plugged arteries!" he announced with a broad smile.
"What about the two abnormal EKGs?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I don't know. We see it all the time. Linda, you're cleared for knee surgery tomorrow."
Praise God again!
So today, Donna, Paul, and I will sit at the hospital and pray as Linda goes through her surgery.
Jesus said "If you remain in my Word, you will truly be my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." (John 8: 31-32.)
The truth is that God asks us to surrender all to Him. And in surrendering all to the One Who truly loves us and works everything for our good, we discover the we are truly set free from fear, anxiety, and everything that can disturb our souls. We find true peace.
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